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One Semester, Ten Cases: Sorry I Gave You Chlamydia
To all my fellow Ephs, I have a confession to make. It has been fourteen weeks since students first arrived on campus for the fall...
Sam Mermin and Kevin Ryan
Dec 7, 2020


Students Returning Home Facing Harsh New Realities, Fewer Mustards on Chicken
A recent Haystack survey has found that more than 200 students returned home this month to find that their parents’ culinary expertise...
Max Stein
Dec 4, 2020


Professor of Mathematics Steven Miller Flags 100,000 Lost “Best Kiss” Teen Choice Award Ballots
In a sworn declaration, Professor of Mathematics Steven Miller said his analysis of voter data and phone interviews with Teen Choice...
Darlie Kerns
Dec 3, 2020


Football player to study a broad as long as he gets to pick which one
Derrick Myers ‘22 was sure that his chances for studying abroad his junior year were over when the COVID-19 pandemic hit. Much to his...
Lucy Walker
Dec 1, 2020


This Black Friday, Administration Selling Frosh Quad Lego Sets For Students Missing College
Williams students are celebrating an early holiday surprise with the announcement of something very exciting: a Lego set modeled after...
Lizzie High
Nov 27, 2020


“What are you planning to do with that?” Asks Dad on Degree, Brother on Unfinished Pie
Ethan Cutler ‘23 returned to his home in Scarsdale on Saturday only to discover that he would spend the next two months responding to a...
Max Stein
Nov 26, 2020


Op-Ed: My New Roommates Suck, Won’t Let Me Hang Up My LED Strip Lights in Our Common Room
Dear The Haystack, I’m not sure what to do about my new roommates and I was wondering if you could help. I just moved in with these...
Melia Hagino and Lucy Walker
Nov 25, 2020


Semester Not as Bad as Anticipated, Reports Kid Who Straight Up Didn’t Follow the Rules
With the end of the on-campus portion of the semester, The Haystack decided to take a look at how the student body felt about their...
Asher Gladstone
Nov 23, 2020


Students Welcome to Stay in Rooms Over Break if They Put Themselves in Large, Taped-up Cardboard Box
In an email sent late in the morning on Nov 16, Doug Schiazza clarified that students will be allowed to remain in their rooms from...
Max Stein
Nov 21, 2020


College Must Investigate if Students are Selling Hard Drugs and Whether They'd Sell Some to Us
The College’s refusal to look into the possibility of drug dealers on campus is irresponsible, dangerous, and, frankly, irresponsible. In...
Sam Mermin and Kevin Ryan
Nov 20, 2020


“I’m Going to Tunnel to do Work,” Says You, Lying
On any afternoon in the beautiful autumn of the pristine purple valley, Williams students can be seen frolicking between campus buildings...
Max Stein
Nov 20, 2020


We Tried to Talk to the Art History Grad Students and They Shot Us With a Crossbow
As a last-ditch effort to recruit more cultured staff members, this past weekend The Haystack reached out to the most sophisticated group...
Melia Hagino and Mati Rogers
Nov 19, 2020


Due to Another Staff Error, Donald Trump Gives a Speech From a Concession Stand
Last night on every TV network, the soon-to-be-former president spoke to the nation from in front of a tent that appeared to be selling...
Jacob Lehmann Duke
Nov 19, 2020


A cappella Continues to Practice Despite Pleas from Administration to “Shut the Fuck Up”
Last Saturday, the 5th of November, the Office of Campus Life (OCL) released a statement clarifying its stance toward a cappella...
The Haybale
Nov 18, 2020


Friend can't get lunch because "Requests to hang out exceed order capacity"
“What the hell, man?” stated Joseph Garcia ‘22 on Monday, after his friend, Cody Lee ‘21, declined to get lunch, citing “Requests to hang...
Max Stein
Nov 18, 2020


Op-Ed: My Tutorial Partner is Clearly Trying to Instigate a Threesome With Me and Our Professor
It was our second class together when I first realized it. Maybe it was the way her auburn locks flowed down her back, almost like a...
The Haybale
Nov 16, 2020


Bell Ringers Announce Every Song is the Glee Version
This past Saturday the Williams community was hit with a shocking and disgusting new development in the ever-changing profile of the...
Mati Rogers
Nov 15, 2020


Log Owner’s Mom Says he can Stay up 15 Minutes Later; Restaurant Now Open Until 8:15
Williams students are celebrating after local Spring Street favorite The Log has announced new extended hours on Saturdays. We visited...
Lizzie High
Nov 14, 2020


English Professor Cool Enough to Say Fuck
Last week, in English 204, “Yes, No, and Why Not?: Questions in Books” Professor Charles (Charlie) Hofstadt, shocked his students when he...
The Haybale
Nov 13, 2020


Male trustees uncomfortable with testing being conducted by “something called the Broads Institute"
As the College nears the end of a successful semester during a global pandemic, most administrators are enormously proud of their...
Sam Mermin
Nov 11, 2020
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