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Students Welcome to Stay in Rooms Over Break if They Put Themselves in Large, Taped-up Cardboard Box

In an email sent late in the morning on Nov 16, Doug Schiazza clarified that students will be allowed to remain in their rooms from December to February as long as they remain taped in cardboard boxes along with their belongings.

The college is working with Connors Bros storage company, who are in the process of developing a new storage space specifically for students packed in cardboard boxes. The students will only be fed mashed potatoes through the cracks in the cardboard, but will have full access to 24-hour music DJ’ed by Sam Boyden of the Office of Campus Life, who moonlights as DJ iamsam.

Some students are enthusiastic about the opportunity to remain on campus. “I’m working on a thesis,” said Greg Kim ‘21. “So it’s great that I can stay on campus in some capacity. Some of my colleagues in the bio department should be stacked on top of me, or at least thrown into the pile somewhere nearby.” Kim’s thesis involves experiments with mice, but he assumes he will have ample interaction with all sorts of rodents within the storage pod.

Other students are apprehensive about the stringent restrictions that the administration plans to place on box dwellers. Rumors suggest that these students will only be allowed out of the box if they are very good boys or lie.

Surprisingly, it seems that only one member of the Williams staff is responsible for moving all boxes out of students rooms. That man is Grot. Grot says that it is a pleasure to move boxes. “Grot likes to lift. Grot can carry big box very far. If person is in box, Grot lift person.” From preliminary research, it appears that Grot has moved over 400 boxes weighing up to 250 pounds from student rooms to Connors Bros storage. Despite that responsibility, Grot is enthusiastic to continue his role at Williams. “Grot receives great dental plan.”

Despite logistical challenges, it seems that many extracurricular activities are planning to continue during the box months. Williams Gaming club has announced that its annual December through March hibernation will continue as planned, and the Williams Zen and Meditation Club has noted that complete darkness, silence, and isolation for 3 months will not affect its regular weekly meetings.

So, as you continue your week, stay on the lookout for those Williams students with a contortionist leaning packing themselves into tiny cardboard boxes and bracing themselves for the long winter months ahead of them. And remember, when potato rations run thin, cinnamon tastes great on cardboard.


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