Spring fling proved a success for all: students had a blast, CSS reported an unexpectedly low number of incidents, and prospective student bbno$ (Alexander Leon Gumuchian ‘28) ultimately decided to commit to Williams. According to the DJ with a fuckass haircut, bbno$ has been performing college concerts at Swarthmore, Holyoke, and Smith to determine where he will continue his education. When asked what spurred his decision, bb cited the intellectually-stimulating tutorials, the sailing team, and the swarm of lit white boys:
“Seeing all of those type-A political econ students cut loose by turning their baseball caps around and blacking out at 11:00 AM 20 feet away from Schow made me realize that a vital part of my well-rounded education was missing. I had no idea someone could be so cool.”
bbno$’s choice aligns with some of his behavior on campus over the past few weeks. Several students have reported seeing him sitting alone in Goodrich, asking strangers unprompted questions about whether the small size of the campus feels intimate or suffocating. During Previews, several prefrosh reported a strange 28-year old Canadian man trying to crash on a common room air mattress with them and shadow philosophy classes.
bbno$ plans to major in English to enrich his lyrical wordplay. He also plans to concentrate in Asian American studies to get a hot Asian bitch. Although he took the initiative to apply for Treestyle and NOVA, he has already been rejected from both organizations due to lack of creative direction.
“My biggest concern is the athlete culture,” explained bbno$ in an interview with the Haybale. “As an NARP, I’m disappointed that there’s such a stark division on campus.”
Despite his apprehensiveness about athletics, bbno$’s educational choice served as a causal nexus for other rappers attending elite liberal arts colleges: Y2K and Yung Gravy will also attend Williams next semester.
“Honestly, I ED’d to Brown and got deferred, so Williams was my next best choice. I guess I’m still kind of excited,” explained Yung Gravy, dejectedly. “I’m trying to find the silver linings – I’m really looking forward to sampling esoteric Driscoll sandwiches and Halal chicken.” Gravy and bbno$ have already put in a bid to share a flex in Sage and to enter the same WOOLF group. Y2K will live in a Mission single and go on ROOTS or some shit, like a bot.
Of course, attending Williams as such successful musicians will pose its challenges. “I’m just worried that I’ll be trying to listen to a woman in a boxy linen dress give a speech about climate change while having a delicious vegan meal at Log Lunch and someone will interrupt to ask for an autograph,” explained bbno$. “I just need everyone to understand that I’m here for one thing: a rich liberal arts education.”
When all’s said and done, bbno$ seems to have a positive outlook on his educational endeavor, already attending Professor Fisher’s poetry performances and philosophy salons. “Things could be worse,” the musician points out, “I heard Dbangz got rejected from Williams and now has to study comparative literature at Tufts.”