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Semester Not as Bad as Anticipated, Reports Kid Who Straight Up Didn’t Follow the Rules

With the end of the on-campus portion of the semester, The Haystack decided to take a look at how the student body felt about their experience in Williamstown. Aside from the handful of sophomores who get off on nostalgically telling frosh, “Williams just isn’t itself this year, man,” despite having only been on campus for one semester more, most students reported that this semester was “fine, I guess,” albeit unusual.

But this was not the case for Chad Thickerson ‘24. He had a fucking blast.

“This year’s been great, what are you talking about?” Thickerson told a Haystack reporter. “Me and the boys go wild on the weekends.” When asked to identify “the boys,” Thickerson looked puzzled, insisting they’re just called “the boys,” but it was clear he simply didn’t know their names.

Eyewitness accounts describe Thickerson as the life of the party. On multiple Saturday nights he purportedly stormed into a crowded Willy croom with a case of Natty Lights, screaming, “I could have gone to NC State for lacrosse! You fuckers are lucky to have me here!”

“Most of the people at this school are pretty chill, not gonna lie,” he said. “Although, I used to hang with this crew of seven other students and three faculty members but they straight up started ghosting me for some reason. I don’t know what happened to them.”

Our reporter asked him if he was referring to the ten positive COVID cases on campus, but again he looked confused. “Ah shit, bro! You reminded me! COVID! Whatever happened to that whole testing thing the college said they were going to do? I’m still waiting to get my first test time.”

At this point in the interview, our reporter, who is a nice, Jewish boy from Long Island, New York, who follows all the COVID rules and tries to call his mother every night was resisting the urge to scream “YOU HAVE TO SCHEDULE THE TEST YOURSELF, YOU DISEASE-RIDDLED MOUND OF PUSS!!!” But instead he calmly asked how Thickerson has managed to remain on campus despite flagrantly disregarding all the safety protocols and being a total douche.

“My family has connections,” he explained. “My grandfather donated a building. My mom’s maiden name is Class of ‘68.”

If you’re hoping to get one last look at Chad Thickerson in the flesh before you leave campus, you can find him standing in between the markers in the dining halls or perpetually “eating” as he walks around campus.


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