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Op-Ed: My New Roommates Suck, Won’t Let Me Hang Up My LED Strip Lights in Our Common Room

Dear The Haystack,

I’m not sure what to do about my new roommates and I was wondering if you could help. I just moved in with these people. They’re not strangers; I lived with them a few years ago and I don’t remember having any issues. But recently it seems like they’ve turned into total narcs. For one, they won’t let me hang up my sick LED strip lights that I got on Amazon because they keep saying they “don’t go with the other decorations in the living room,” and that “they make our home look like one of those Tik Toks you’re always showing us. Have you found an internship yet?” They also wouldn’t let me put up my Parasite poster, so now if any babes come over, they won’t see how cultured I am. And it’s not just the decor. Last week, we had a pod meeting where they all attacked me for “peeing in the kitchen sink every night, without fail, like clockwork, disgusting clockwork.” It’s so unfair. They also totally ambushed me with a surprise meeting, where they sat me down and said they would kick me out if I ever played pong with Grandma’s china again. I barely even know “grandma,” but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even live in this dorm.

It’s not just them. I have this other roommate, Ben, who is super weird. He’s bald, really short, and kind of needy. He’s basically always throwing up, is pretty incoherent most of the time, and the other day, flat out pooped his pants. But no one said anything about it. He also cries all the time, and he can’t even walk, but my other roommates just think he’s adorable. He said “truck” for the first time the other day and everyone kept calling him a “smart little man” and saying he’s going to “grow up to be a genius,” but when I screamed “TRUCK! TRUCK! TRUCK!” over and over a few days later to prove that I can do it too, I just got yelled at for interrupting a work call with the VP of Development.

Not all my roommates are bad. There’s this one guy Bailey who’s an absolute hoss. We get along super well. We love all the same stuff. Throwing a ball around, chasing bitches, and yelling at the mailman. He hasn’t said one mean thing to me. I told him about the truck thing, and he nodded and said “rough. Rough rough rough.”

It’s frankly mind blowing that I’m the one accused of making the vibes weird in the house when I’m pretty sure two of my roommates are hooking up. They spend all their time together, they have a joint bank account, and there are pictures of the two of them all over the house. But sure, I’m the one ruining things when I hotbox the Nissan Cube.

I’m hoping you guys can help me out. Please let me know what I should do.


Tyler (But you can call me Big Money)

Dear Big Money

These people sound like they suck. Especially that Ben guy. But we can tell that you’re pretty cool. Wanna be in our pod next semester? We’re really nice, and we have Wii Sports Resort.


The Haystack


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