Living Life In The FAST Lane: Drastic Decrease In Student Organization Funding Strongly Correlated With Increase In Spring Street Stealing
- Shayna Podhoretz
- Sep 26
- 2 min read
For the many Ephs paying attention to campus affairs this year, a new development has shaken our student organizations. FAST’s budget has been slashed, and the cuts are trickling down to each student group, just like Ronald Reagan would have predicted. But an even more concerning trend is taking place: thefts on Spring Street are at an all time high. It seems that students have taken funding their clubs into their own hands.
“On Monday, I was just going about my day, organizing the horse merchandise section in the back,” explained Amy Copperton, the owner of Amy’s Cottage, “And heard a hubbub in the front. When I got back to the cash register, all of the money was gone!” Copperton teared up telling Haybale reporters that she had been planning to use the cash to make novelty wine glasses covered in quips about being a mother, loving to drink, and/or being a dog owner. She then questioned the Haybale reporters and accused us of being the thieves. Despite our firm denial, she nonetheless grabbed a wooden block with the words “a bottle a day keeps the doctor away” and threw it at us. She has yet to apologize.
Another student, Niles Farfeather ‘28, witnessed another theft at Tunnel City, where ten skyrs disappeared from the fridge. Later that day, Farfeather noticed another student, Lena Kurval ‘26, tabling in Paresky for an unknown cause and selling skyr. We approached Kurval for an interview and what we heard was alarming, to say the least.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Kurval explained, while holding a skyr in one hand and a printed out Venmo QR code in the other to students walking by. “You know how much you can get for one of these bad boys, especially while Goodrich is out of commission? Like I’m charging at least four bucks. Debate Club NEEDS the moolah.” We decided that we had to speak with other student thieves to better understand their psychology. When we saw Oliver Mootie ‘27.5 trying to stuff as many puzzles, games, and logic toys that clearly came from Where’d You Get That? into his bag.
“What are you looking at,” asked Mootie. “Don’t judge me. How am I ever going to rise in the ranks of Men’s Mental Health Club if I don’t solve our funding crisis? We’ll never fix the male loneliness epidemic at this rate!”
While student organizations fall into chaos, the Haybale stays strong. We will continue our reporting on campus affairs. But also if you can leave two dollars per person in locker 3056 that would rock.
