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Students Returning Home Facing Harsh New Realities, Fewer Mustards on Chicken

A recent Haystack survey has found that more than 200 students returned home this month to find that their parents’ culinary expertise falls short of the excellence they had come to expect from Williams Dining Services. In a survey sent out by Haystack analysts, complaints ranged widely, from a notable lack of hummus wraps and cranberry juice to the more general difficulties caused by indoor eating. However, the data suggests that the largest difficulty for students has been the radical decrease in the number of mustards on chicken served by parents compared to chicken served by Williams Dining.

The survey found a strong statistical relationship between whether there were many mustards on chicken and whether students preferred that chicken, the one with many mustards. Over 400 students most preferred exactly 3 mustards on chicken, notably the number of mustards on the famed and widely critically acclaimed “3 Mustard Chicken,” a signature dish of Williams Dining Services. While Williams Dining has yet to receive a Michelin star for their contribution to the mustard chicken industry, critics worldwide rave and salivate at even the prospect of enjoying this dish, perhaps with a side of a fruit of the forest cookie and a 2020 vintage Canada Dry.

While less than 100 students prefer 1 mustard on chicken, over 600 students reported that their own cooking, or the cooking done by their parents, included zero, that’s right, zero mustards on chicken. We were unable to ask parents firsthand about this troubling statistical anomaly, but a student report suggests that often, “I just eat microwave rice out of the bag without even cooking it because I can feel it absorb the water and it’s like pop rocks, but it doesn’t expand in my stomach. It’s not like that. That’s a myth.”

An additional trend observed by Haystack analysts is a massive increase in the size of popcorn chicken bits. Another signature of Williams Dining, this dish seems to be quite difficult for any other chef to replicate.

Some say that there are more important matters to report on, such as math department drama or corridor soccer league standings, but an additional observation of the survey suggests that food is the most important aspect of the Williams experience. Students surveyed overwhelmingly miss both of the dining halls more than their friends on campus, suggesting that it is the number one matter of concern on campus.

Luckily, Dining Services told Haystack reporters that while students may struggle for the next two months, they have a great spring to look forward to, with Mission dining hall being turned into a giant fondue emporium and the Purple Pub being annexed by Williams to open the newest dining hall, The Log 2.


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