This past week JA Buck Jarlsberg ‘24 came to believe over the past two months that a frosh in his entry, Brie Vorst ’26, was secretly a dean disguised as an 18-year-old first year student. Overcome with anxiety about a possible evaluation of his job performance, Jarlsberg was unable to form a word for 20 minutes, but after a hot cocoa and a slap on the back, he was able to state his case.
“I don't know man, things have been pretty weird with Brie lately… she’s always been a character around the entry but I’m starting to get the willies about this whole situation. I just wanted to be the chill JA!” mumbled Jarlsberg.
“Yeah, it kinda started on move-in day, Brie drove here alone, and I thought her really firm handshake was a good sign. She always had a lot of enthusiasm about campus resources but I figured ‘hey, don’t have to worry about this one!’ She got along pretty well with the other frosh too, always calling them ‘charming.’” said Jarlsberg.
Our staff inquired with some of these frosh to corroborate this suspicion, to which they gave their insights into Vorst’s behavior:
Kaitlin Jar ‘26 noted, “Yeah Brie’s kinda weird, like she looks kinda old for 18 but I figured she just took a gap year or something.”
“Brie somehow knows everyone's first, last, and middle initial. I asked her about it and she said she is just passionate about the student experience,” said Mark Steamer ‘26.
Many noted Vorst’s uncharacteristic language for a first year, including terms such as “microcosm,” “close-knit,” and “Whitman’s snack bar.” Several also reported her requests for “Mary Jane” at entry pre-games, and frequent inquiring as to whether or not anyone wanted to listen to the B-52s revival album with her or watch Saturday Night Fever: “My laptop has a DVD player!” said Vorst. Despite these misgivings, many frosh have kept her as a friend as “her fake ID looks super realistic, it says she’s like 50 or something!”
We spoke with her roommate, Dawn Stitch ‘26, who described Vorst’s behavior behind closed doors: “She wakes up at 5 am every day,” Stitch bemoaned. “She does all her work at this huge standing desk that she somehow got facilities to install. I had to take the top bunk ‘cause she threw her back out trying to get up there.”
Upon the arrival of our staff to the Dean’s Office, we saw Dean Franklin speaking to a camera crew inside her office. We kicked down Dean Franklin’s door and demanded to know the truth! Franklin sputtered, “Hey, gang! Wha-what can I do you for?” We confronted her with the evidence that she was disguising herself as first-year Brie Vorst. “That’s preposterous,” Franklin replied, kicking a PSYC 101 course packet under the desk and swallowing the key to a frosh quad double. She cracked when we pointed out the camera crew who had been filming the conversation. “Undercover Boss is a huge paycheck! Do you have any idea how much a squishy cow costs? Like 13 bucks a pop! And worth every cent, don’t misunderstand! With the endowment losses, first-years’ privacy is a small price to pay for those pulpous cows!!”
Brie Vorst has since been removed from her entry, though her standing desk remains, now transformed into a liquor cabinet. Jarlsberg and his COs are taking a rest cure in Vermont funded by the Dean’s office.