With a rising emphasis on mental health, students proposed the elimination of first-year grades to ease the transition into life at college. The administration, however, wants to make sure that all students are still striving for perfection in their classes, communities, and dating lives. At a faculty meeting next week, professors will vote on whether to eliminate first-year letter grades, and replace them with ratings of attractiveness out of ten. With Previews this week and the regular decision deadline looming, this new policy will likely impact the make-up of the class of 2028.
“We want to remind our incoming students that Williams is first and foremost a school for hotties,” explained President Maud Mandel in an interview with the Haybale. “We are a liberal arts college, where the most learning happens outside of the classroom. Like on Tinder or in a stranger’s dorm room.” It’s worth noting that she came to the interview with a low-cut V-neck, Brandy Melville denim shorts, a fake tan, and lip fillers.
The reactions from the faculty are overwhelmingly positive. WGSS Professor Noah Smelvin, whose PhD dissertation focused on the difference between an LA 7 and an Orlando 7, explained the social ramifications of this shift. “Listen. A lot of these kids are barely legal. That’s why we need them to focus on pimping themselves out before they become old and sexually irrelevant (e.g. 23, 24 years old). This especially goes for the female students.”
To spearhead the project, Smelvin gave an impromptu analysis of the looks of the Haybale editors. The results will remain classified at the time of publication.
Student responses to the incoming changes are varied. Peter Prike ‘26.25, recipient of the Williams College Future Oil Tycoon Scholarship, was especially vocal about his excitement regarding Maud’s message: “I’ve had it up to here with these uggos. It’s such a relief to my mental health to ruminate about my looks, weight, and pheromones rather than pretend to give a shit about my grades and learning.”
Not all students are on board with the incoming changes. Norah Slugly ‘27 explains: “Students should be graded on their effort and merit, not superficial qualities.” What an uptight spinster. We had to wear sunglasses with the lenses covered in tape so we didn’t look at her too closely.
In response to the concerns of students like Slugly, the administration is planning to offer a Pass/Fail option for this new grading system. To further motivate students to be their best selves, the College will reward students with ratings of 8 and above with ~2,000 dollars of FAST funding for clubs they are members of, an extra 5000 housing points, and unlimited free condoms.
The more hideous members of campus will be forced into off-campus flex triples and hidden from potential students, thank god. Additionally, professors will be held to the same standards as the students within this system, as hotties will be awarded tenure while uggos will not be welcomed back.
