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Campus Poker Mogul Taken Down By Well-Meaning First-Year

While covering the college’s annual casino night, Haybale reporters noticed Charlie Clubs ’24 leaving the poker room in a rage, slamming doors and muttering to himself. He looked as though he would obliterate anything or anyone who crossed his path, but as dedicated reporters, we knew it was our duty to risk our lives to get to the bottom of exactly what had happened.

“Yeah, I had a great time at casino night,” said Clubs, holding back tears. It did not seem like he had a good time. So we kept asking him questions. Then it all started to spill out. “I don’t understand how it happened,” Clubs exclaimed. “He must have been a wizard or something. It’s like he could look into my eyes and see right into my soul. In all my years of playing this game, I have never encountered someone as talented as him.”

We invited Clubs back to our office to give him a chance to calm down so we could get a coherent account of what had really gone down. We even offered him a cup of imported Belgian hot chocolate. He said he didn’t want any. He began his story:

“I had been studying the game for weeks. Practicing online six hours a day, watching every World Series of Poker game since ’08. We all know what happened in ’08,” said Clubs, chuckling to himself. We did not know what happened in ’08, but we laughed and nodded as if we did. “I thought that nothing could come in my way. I could already envision it, eternal glory and an ACE-branded beer koozie, everyone on campus chanting my name.” Clubs started chanting his own name. After a while, he stopped. “But as fate would have it, I met my nemesis today, and he cleaned out all my chips in minutes. He had a performance that will be talked about for years to come.”

We decided we had to track down the man who had defeated Clubs. Our investigation led us to Billy Bozeaux ’26, and we asked him to tell his side of the story.

“I didn’t really know how to play,” Bozeaux began. “I still don’t really get it, but I think I won. One time I had four Qs and this other time I had five cards that were all in a row and they all had clovers on them. After every turn, everyone gave me their chips. I had no way to carry so many chips so I put them all back in the middle of the table, but then everyone just gave me even more. They were probably just being nice to me because it was my first time playing.”

When we reached out to Clubs for any comment on Bozeaux’s story, he just said he was a disgrace to himself and his family and that his only remaining course of action was deleting Instagram and moving to Sweden.


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