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Breaking: First Year Radically Shift Paradigms, Announces Double Major

Departing from generations of dichotomous worldviews in learning, Glow Williams ‘26 has revealed that she is, in fact, a prospective double major.

“Yeah I’m going to major in theater, it’s been my passion since I was little,” said Williams, breaking free from the confines of traditional majordom. “I’m also going to major in econ, because…”

According to Williams, she developed her revolutionary approach to academia during her upbringing in Greenwich, Connecticut, where she was exposed to a diverse range of theater, from her country club’s production of Annie! to her country club’s production of Oliver!.

Williams’s roommate was initially stunned by her revelation. “I've never met anyone so multifaceted!” exclaimed Paige Turner ‘26. “Personally, I could only ever imagine majoring in philosophy, because discussing Foucault with my fellow philosophy scholars is what truly enlivens my soul. But now that I think about it, I might also major in statistics, because…”

Haybale reporters noted that Turner had been shielding us from her computer screen, which had “who is p-model?” typed into the search bar.

Upon further investigation, Haybale reporters found that Williams’s polymathic curiosity is manifested in her instagram bio, which contains a quote reading “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” a reference to the 2000 publication of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and subsequent 2005 film adaptation. Perhaps Williams sees herself as a rebel, unconventional and mischievous, disrupting centuries of traditional academic methodology. She also found herself torn between joining Cap and Bells and the Williams Investing Club, yet again caught in the throes of being both “a creative spirit” and “an econ major.” However, she expertly solved this issue by assuming an unimportant role in both groups.

“I love being able to pursue multiple subjects, and, honestly, I think that’s the beauty of attending a liberal arts college. I am just so passionate about my fields of study, I am always reading more about them,” said Williams. “Well not always, only when I have a reading due I guess.”


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