“You’re NOT Voting For Mamdani?!”: Student Forgets Not Everyone Is From New York

We at the Haybale were stunned when we saw that the most recent Williams Record-KGB poll showed that over 70% of Williams students were not planning on voting for Zohran Mamdani. At this supposed liberal liberal arts safe haven, how could the majority stray so far from our expectations? Were they abstaining as a statement to the government? Were they planning to write in another candidate? I set out to find the true answer.

My first hypothesis: Mamdani isn’t progressive enough.

To pursue this, I spoke with one student, Nathaniel Ezekiel Peregrine Osteoporosis ’29.5.

TWH: “Do you support Mamdani’s effort to make buses free?”

NEPO: “To make what free?”

TWH: “Buses.”

NEPO: “What is that?”

I accepted the null hypothesis.

Maybe it was that Sliwa’s debate performance won everyone over. Williams students are simple people. They appreciate spectacle. I figured many have been shot in taxi cabs in the past, and thus related to Mr. Sliwa’s trauma. I spoke with an anonymous sophomore student, who wished to remain anonymous.

TWH: “Are you voting for Sliwa?”

ASS: “Uhh isn’t Jojo Sliwa that pink bow dance moms gay pop girl?”

I had failed to consider this point.

Finally, I decided to just straight up ask someone. I walked into a Sawyer study room in which sat a lone, sobbing student. I had heard through the grapevine that he was an NM (Non-Mamdanian), but had to test the waters to confirm. I started subtly.

TWH: “Heyyyyy. Are you voting for Mamdani?”

NM: “Uh, no?”

TWH: “Ah-HA! And why is that?!?!”

NM: “I’m not from New York.”

I was stunned. Stupefied. Flabbergasted, even. If you could have seen my gast, you would have agreed that it was flabbered.

Reader, I had forgotten that this was possible.

Do not rush to place blame or claim ignorance. You see, in the field of statistics, even the most well-equipped surveyors can make mistakes. What’s important is that we learn from them to improve our studies in the future. When crafting my hypotheses, I had failed to consider how the crucial factor of New York citizenship, and having it, versus not having it, would affect my parameter of interest. For example, without New York citizenship, one could not vote for New York mayor. Instead, they would be forced to vote for mayor in another city, unfortunately. For my next political study, I vowed to set out with a more global point of view, considering all fifty states in America.

One question, however, remained unanswered. If not New York, where was my current subject from? When I asked him, I suggested, “Massachusetts?” He shook his head. “L.A.?” He shook his head. “Bay Area?”

“No,” he said. “I’m from Indonesia.”

I left our interview keen on researching further, to find out more about the upbringing and psyche of this could-be-Mamdanian. But when I tried to look up Indonesia in the 2024 election results by county, nothing came up. I have a couple hypotheses as to why this could be. He possibly lied. He potentially mispronounced Indiana. He could be covering up a secret woke state even woker than New York and Massachusetts … combined!

My investigation continues. So long, my children.