New in Politics: “V O T E” Banners on Chapin Columns Vandalized, Now Reads “B O O B”

It was the first Tuesday of November, a crisp thirty degrees, just as any other election day. Except while your annoying neighbor from New York City was busy boasting about committing mail-in voter fraud for Zohran Mamdani, a much more sinister plan was afoot.

As students crossed Paresky Lawn, heading to their 8:30 am classes, one girl noticed something horrifying: the letter banners hanging on Chapin’s columns that once read “V O T E” now spelled a far more nefarious message. What do they spell, you may ask?

“B O O B”

Photo Credit: Femmy-Nest ’27

Transeclue Zinary Redicle Femmy-Nest ’27 was the first person to see the vandalism, and she immediately contacted Campus Safety Services (CSS). But as CSS officers arrived on the scene, Libb Arterrian ’98, one of the responding officers, dismissed the concern, citing it was “the best goddamned prank [he has] seen at this school in a long time.” Femmy-Nest has different opinions. “As a political science, economics, and philosophy triple-major, I find the lack of respect for our super-functional and equitable democracy* appalling.” 

Soshally Liboral Fiskuli–Conservutov ’27, the democratically-elected president of Ephvotes, wishes to highlight the “disgusting parallels” between this incident and the one from last year. For those who aren’t longtime readers of The Haybale, in Fall of 2024 the same thing happened–only the banners were made to spell “P O O P” instead of “B O O B”.

Unfortunately, The Haybale’s team of investigative journalists has been laid off due to FAST budget cuts, but Fiskuli–Conservutov and Anne Arky ’28, a fellow Ephvotes board member, have taken it upon themselves to investigate. Fiskuli–Conservutov’s first hunch was that Demi Cratt ’26 was the perpetrator of the crime due to her vandalism history (Re: “P O O P”), but she has an iron-clad alibi for that early morning that we have decided not to disclose. 

Who was the culprit, then?

None other than Transeclue Zinary Redicle Femmy-Nest, the very reporter of the crime. When asked to explain herself, she stated: “It was a thought experiment.” You know what they say: “whoever smelt it, dealt it.” Or in this case: whoever notes it, wrote-s it.

*The Haybale’s team of fact-checkers note that the United States of America’s democracy is most definitely not ‘super-functional,’ nor is it ‘equitable,’ nor is it actually a democracy. Nor was Nest’s take a good one**.

**The Haybale’s editorial board notes that the opinions stated in this article are not representative of The Haybale’s political views as an institution***.

***The author of the article notes that the fact-checkers’ note was not a political statement on behalf of The Haybale, but rather a bare-minimum acknowledgement of the current political and economic state of the world****.

****The Haybale’s editorial board notes that the author’s note regarding the fact-checkers’ note is a political statement in that it risks the funding which The Haybale receives from federal institutions.******

*****The author of the article notes that The Haybale’s editorial board’s note on the author’s note regarding the fact-checkers’ note is stupid due to the fact that The Haybale has never, and will never, receive federal funding.