Ask The Haybale: Why Is It Pappa With Two P’s That Has Never Made Sense To Me That’s Why I Don’t Eat There What Other Untruths Are They Trying to Get Me to Accept

It all started with a question. Or, rather, three questions. P? P? Why? 

Papa Charlie’s Deli, local eatery known for its “deliciously overstuffed” sandwiches and adequately normal-stuffed bagels, has been a Spring Street staple for at least one year. But following its recent reopening, the establishment’s name continues to perplex the population. And we at the Haybale fear this reality may be a harbinger of something far more sinister.

If it’s “papa” with an “a,” it should have just one “p.” If it’s “poppa” with two “p’s” it should have an “o.” What are they hiding behind that second consonant? Is it a code? Some sort of cipher? An acronym? P.A.P.P.A? Pain, Affliction, Plague, Pizza, and Another Word That Starts With A? It’s impossible to know for sure.

But as we ruminated on the subject, we realized a pattern. No Spring Street establishment has a name that makes sense.

Down the street from Pappa Charlie’s, there’s Images Cinema. Yet what do they show on screen? Videos. Consider that.

Or The Log by Ramunto’s, which serves artisanal beers, big pizzas, and trivia on Thursdays. Not logs. Funny. And who is Ramunto? Another mysterious man (we assume) of incredible, unknown influence.

Tunnel City? More like Lies City. We stopped by for a necessary break after minutes of hard investigation and we can confirm: not a tunnel. Not in the slightest.

Even Pera is now called “Plates.” Sure, they probably serve the food on plates. But if that’s the only measure of what makes a good restaurant name, then this world has truly descended into chaos most cosmic and horrible and we are glad to see it burn. 

Make no mistake: there is a slow but sure homogenization taking place, set in motion by the powers that be.

What’s next? Spoon? Oh. Wait. Fuck. 

We reached out to the owner of Pappa Charlie’s for comment. An important note, reader. That man is not named Charlie. And probably not a poppa/papa either. Why spell “papa” in such an objectively distasteful and obtuse way? Was he pressured by the fat cats at Washington? Or by crooked Hillary and her comrades in the Gambino crime family?

He dodged every question. Obviously, terrified of retaliation and not accustomed to being interviewed by real journalists like us. 

As we walked away, we felt a chill in the air. In the cold, pitch black night of an East coast town after 5pm, we suddenly felt eyes on us as well. Were we being watched? Someone, somewhere, surely was pinning our picture to a corkboard. We read Foucault. We know how this works.

At the Haybale, we work hard to sniff out the truth. By any means necessary. But we don’t have all the answers. And, also, we have midterms. So the search ends here… for now.

However, we do know something is very wrong. Until further investigation, we will be sticking to Lee’s booths. Because at least it’s spelled Lee and not Leese.