When Roger Mackey ‘21 rolled out of bed this Monday morning, he was ready for another normal day at the College. But when he switched out of Private Mode and opened up his gmail account, he was shocked to see a message from Dean Rachel Bukanc that said Porn Club could no longer use Jesup Hall as a meeting space.
“When I took over as President of PC, I promised I would bring our club into the mainstream,” said Mackey. “This fascist move by Dean Bukanc discourages countless applicants who appreciated the strength of our PC culture. We have lost our only meeting space, which makes our lives so, so hard.”
“Yes, this was the easiest decision I’ve had to make so far, and it’s really not even close” said Dean Bukanc. “The second that they projected that cartoon shit onto the big screen in room 207, I had no choice. Soft porn with real actors? I can stand that. But I don’t even let my husband watch cartoon. Only on his birthday.”
When the 3:00 tour group visited Sage EF, where Mackey is a JA, they found him silently sitting in the common room, holding up a sign that read “IF YOU CARE ABOUT PORN, THIS IS NOT THE SCHOOL FOR YOU.”
Unfortunately, Mackey’s self-proclaimed “courageous” protest did not have the immediate impact he had hoped it would. Of the five high schoolers on the tour group, none of them said that this impacted their decision. “Why would this matter to me? I am not addicted to porn,” said Joe Jipp, who quickly turned off his phone when a Haystack reporter went to talk to him.
More than a few members of the staff are very happy with Dean Bukanc’s decision. Jesup custodian Brian Barton’s job is reportedly now “a lot easier” on account of “no more semen.”