Following the news of Campus Safety and Security Director Dave Boyer’s upcoming retirement, college administration were tasked with finding a suitable replacement. After several weeks of interviews, strategic planning meetings, and movie nights, they have decided that Ed Rooney, the vice principal from Ferris Bueler’s Day Off, will fill the role.
“We really wanted Spiderman, or that robot from Stop and Shop, but they were both way above our paygrade and asked for benefits,” said President Maud Mandel, in the living room of the off-white castle she calls a house. “Honestly, we were getting ready to give up. At one point we even considered giving Scott Lewis a big stick and an air cannon and just letting him loose. But then Rooney sauntered into the room with that big mustache of his, and I knew everything was going to be alright.”
Ed Rooney, who has spent the last several years in psychiatric treatment, applied for the position on the urgings of his therapist, who felt that exposure to Williams College students might help Rooney overcome his phobia of smug, entitled youths with charming smiles.
“I think this will be good for him,” said Rooney’s therapist to one of our reporters. “I’d really hate to see him brutally humiliated by any more handsome, funny, charming kids. That’d just be… awful.” Our reporter noted that the therapist, who insisted on being interviewed over the phone, sounded a bit like he might have been a teenage boy putting on a deep voice, but we aren’t the fucking Record, so we didn’t investigate further.
Rooney is most well known for his role in the film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which played a key role in the administration’s decision to hire him. Mandel in particular cited the movie as a “credit to Rooney’s character,” despite having fallen asleep about half an hour in. However, Mandel feels she “got the gist.”
“I saw the first part, the part that introduces the kids as terrible conniving villains and foreshadows them definitely getting punished,” said Mandel. “We wanted someone who would really be committed to catching such rabble rousers. From what I’ve seen, Rooney’s our guy. He seems really on top of everything, and I’m sure that in the end he brought those kids to justice and also came out looking really cool.”
Sandstrom, who has finished the movie, had a slightly different perspective than Mandel. However, she still felt Rooney could fulfill the job description. “Listen, and this is off the record,” said Sandstrom, whispering and craning her neck to make sure no Record reporters were nearby. “We all know he didn’t catch Ferris and the gang. He tried—god did he try— but they humiliated him. He got all muddy at the end and that dog bit him—it was brutal. But we also know that sometimes it's better when the meddling kids don’t get caught. Fewer trustee parents sending mean emails, if you catch my drift. We need someone who looks tough on kid crime for the optics, but isn’t actually good at catching kids, especially cocky white assholes.”
Dave Boyer has also publicly endorsed his successor. “As time has progressed, we’re gaining a better understanding of how students are breaking the rules,” said Boyer. “Mostly they’re partying, but every once in a while, we have a couple students who want to borrow a fancy car from their friend’s dad, or crash a parade to sing ‘Twist and Shout.” We feel confident that Rooney will be able to put a stop to such shenanigans. I also didn’t finish the movie.”
Other faculty and staff at the college have also expressed their support for their soon-to-be colleague Rooney. “I was sad to hear that they weren’t going to give me the Big Stick, but I’m excited to make a new friend,” said Scott Lewis, who was passed over for the job. “After all, life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it. And you heard that here first, from me, Scott Lewis. No one said that before I did.”
Comments