Dear the Haystack,
We all know that tutorial meetings are basically wars; one partner emerges Victorious, and the other, a stupid loser. And don’t get me wrong; I love a challenge. Hell, I like to win a battle of wits just as much as the next guy.
But my tutorial partner, Geoffrey, has taken things a little too far. He wears full suits of armor to class, calls me “Sir Craig,” and won’t stop challenging me to a duel.
It’s getting out of hand. Last week, after I told him that his argument about Freud being a “good and honest King” didn’t really make sense, he cornered me after our meeting and demanded that I “face him in battle” so that he might “restore his honor.” When I told him I was sorry about the Freud thing, and that this week I’d try to be nicer in my response, he spat in my face, and told me that writing was a pastime for the child folk, and that I must joust against him like a man.
I said no, of course. But he won’t let it go. He broke down my door with a small model trebuchet. He keeps calling our JA “noble lord” and asking him to choose which one of us he’ll sponsor in the upcoming “tourney.” And he trained a peregrine falcon to leave little scrolls of paper on my windowsill. And they all say something mean.
He called upon all the townsfolk to gather in the square and view the battle, now they won’t leave me alone about it either. I’m talking full scale angry mob in the MD3 Croom. Pitchforks and everything!
He calls our professor “my Queen.” This week, he asked her for a token of her favor, and when she said “what?” he said, “it could be something as simple as a lock of your hair, or as sweet as the handkerchief you clutch to your woman’s breast.” I mean, that’s crazy. Am I crazy?
I don’t even have a sword.
What the hell do I do?
Craig Jimble ‘25
Dear Sir Craig,
What a treacherous situation you have found yourself in! Our expert advice: agree to compete in the joust. First, take to the town scribe and ask that he post an announcement on the church door, detailing the date and time of your glorious fight to the death. Then seek out an elder knight, perhaps one of the round table; we hear there are plenty of those in Lee’s. Search for Sir Lewis, Sir Schiazza, or Sir Reiche, these knights have not once fallen from their horses. Whomever you may find, offer them twelve-pence and two days farm’s work for training. Once you’ve mastered the way of the knight, it is time to duel. Keep your lance straight and your head high, and make us proud, Craig. Remember: You ought not let evil besiege the courage in your heart.
For Queen and Country,