The Haybale Investigates: Why Does The Haybale Write So Few Articles

Fans of the Haybale have noticed an emerging phenomenon in recent months. The Haybale just writes headlines, for the most part. The most recent article was published on February 19th, 2026, and the last one before that was published on November 6th, 2025. It took them 105 days to write that February article, and it’s only 356 words long, meaning they wrote an average of 3.4 words per day. That's just 0.14 words per hour, or one letter every 90 minutes.

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The Haybale has decided to investigate this pace after hundreds of fans expressed concern as to why they weren’t getting more. Said Haybale mega-fan Boy-Pam Johnson ‘28, “I just feel like with the subscription costing as much as it does, I should be getting access to more articles. I should be able to read Haybale articles for a month straight, 24/7 with no breaks, not even for sleep or pooping, without ever having to read the same words twice.”

Boy-Pam Johnson makes a good point. A speed reader could go through The Haybale’s entire backlog in just 12 minutes, if they were a really, really good speed reader (see Science Journal of Science (Journal), 1847). 

In an effort to get to the bottom of this, The Haybale reached out to The Haybale for comment. At first, The Haybale would only respond with snappy, headline-length answers, such as, “BREAKING: We’re Too Sleepy to Write Articles.” and “WE LIVED IT: We Don’t Have Time.” 

However, as the interview progressed, The Haybale was able to get more substantial answers from The Haybale. One representative commented, “We feel like the headlines give you all the information you need. ‘Breaking: Snow Strippers Disqualified from Spring Fling Due to Not Being Williams Students.’ That’s the story. You got it from just the headline. Why would we make some poor staff writer expand on that for 500 words when you got the point already?”

The representative was generous enough to provide another example. “‘Yikes! Friend in Improv Group Had Sex With My Girlfriend, Explains He Was Just Yes-And-ing Her.’ See? You got the who, you got the what. The headline alone suffices. What more information do you need? The position in which the act was carried out? How long it lasted? How big is it? You don’t need more, unless you’re some kind of pervert. Are you? Are you some kind of pervert? Get away from me if so. HEY! I SAID GET AWAY! PLEASE! STEP BACK, LECHER!”

The representative from the Haybale then turned and ran away. The Haybale pursued, but every step just seemed to panic the representative more, making him run faster and faster until the ground started to crack beneath his very feet, and the moisture in the air started to boil around him. The sound barrier soon broke, and the Haybale had to stop giving chase. The representative hasn’t been seen since and is believed to be dead.

If you find the representative, please call 951-262-3062.