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Students Start Following all the EPHin Rules After Marlene Implements New Signs

After noticing that college students couldn’t perfectly adhere to rules stricter than statewide guidelines on a Saturday evening, administrators found themselves in need of a way to communicate the importance of social distancing across students. Admin weren’t scared about their ability to communicate with students, because they are “hip with our times,” as Maud Mandel so eloquently put it. Marlene Sandstrom’s therapist, Jessica B. Wildin ‘22, an undeclared psych major, suggested to Sandstrom that she find alternatives to emails so that the student body might “actually give a fuck about what’s going on.”

Immediately after this meeting Sandstrom and Maud visited their consultants, undeclared poli sci majors, to discuss effective propaganda.

“What I learned,” said Maud, “is that students like when we use their jargon. The most popular of which is ‘fuck.’”

“Can you believe fuck isn’t considered profanity anymore? Everyone uses it all the time. Not just during sex or when you stub your toe,” said Sandstrom.

“Unfortunately,” said Mandel, “we couldn’t actively use or print the word ‘fuck’ because Amherst copyrighted it last week. But Scott came up with the literal best idea.”

“Kids like puns, you know. I’m sure you know, you’re a kid,” Scott Lewis said to our 21-year-old reporter. “And I thought the ghost of Ephraim Williams would be a little bummed if we didn’t take this opportunity to make his name a pun.”

After the signs went up, not a single party was seen that weekend. Indoor gatherings? None. Outdoor gatherings? None. Every student was alone in their room. And that’s the power of good jargon.

“I mean, what did you think I was going to do,” said Iluav Ruuls ‘24. “Party? After those signs? Did you see the representation in those signs? Fucking fan-tastic.”

Her friend, standing nearby, added on to Ruuls’s comment, even though we didn’t ask her. “So I personally don’t really get invited to parties, mostly because I drink a lot and don’t pay anyone back. But this weekend this guy in my Econ class was like come to Willy 4 and I was like oh shii say less, but then I saw the EPHin signs, and I was like nah I can’t go anymore. Also, did you see what I did there? With the eph?” she said. We certainly hope you saw what she did there.

Remember kids, for the sake of the pun, wear your EPHin mask and wash your fucking hands.


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