In an effort to cater to the mental health of a student body that is doing “fine, totally fine, we’re fucking fine, it’s fine, haha,” the College has unveiled plans for three whole mental health days throughout the semester to allow for rest and relaxation. Marlene “Laugh Riot” Sandstrom, in an email to the student body, expressed hope that students would find time to relax, so long as they carefully planned their assignments, extracurricular responsibilities, and other obligations around one day a month in the middle of the week, several weeks in advance.
“All it takes is a little planning,” said Sandstrom. “I suggest students collect each of their syllabi, contact their professors through individual emails, remind them of the health days, and make sure to coordinate each of their assignments around said days. So long as students write their papers a week ahead of time, and plan their other assignments from the week before the health day around the work they have to do for the week before the health day, everyone should have a great time relaxing. Or even chillaxing. We want students to be zen, which is why they should be proactive and productive and mechanically organized in the week before the day they get to be zen.”
Sandstrom followed up that if she heard any reports of students not caring for their mental health appropriately, the College would take immediate and severe disciplinary action to set things straight.
Students haven’t quite known what to do with themselves with such generosity bestowed upon them by the college. One student, Freddy Palacios ‘22, was almost moved to tears from what we can only assume was pure joy. “Three whole days? What is it, my fucking birthday?” said Palacios, smoking a cigarette and shaking a little.
Like Sandstrom stated in her email, students will have a relaxing time on their assigned relaxation days, so long as they’re meticulously organized, a classic trait of relaxed people. Palacios graciously shared his schedule with The Haystack:
9 am: Wake up, make sure schedule is in order for the day
9:30: Brush teeth, eat breakfast as quickly as possible to ensure optimal relaxation time
10:00 Stare at ceiling but in a relaxing way
12:00 Lunch, double check schedule is on track
1:00 Don’t think about assignment due in 2 days
3:00 Organized social activity and fun interaction
4:00 Restful nap
5:00 Spend time being grateful for not being stressed anymore
6:00 Dinner (reclining)
Sandstrom helpfully explained in her email what relaxing was for the vast population of students that might be confused, describing it as spending time alone, or seeing friends, or really just doing anything you want.
“It’s gonna be fun,” said Sandstrom, wearing a “Sorry for Party Rocking” t-shirt. “It’s gonna be fucking fun, okay? I don’t know what I’m gonna goddamn do if it isn’t.”