An investigative report from The Haystack has found that one student on this campus is totally incapable of positive, non-awkward social interactions. That student is you.
After watching the student in question (you) interact with that kid you’d been wanting to get lunch with for weeks (Peter Peterson ‘21), Haystack reporters who happened to be sitting behind you guys in a booth at Lee’s, found that you, as a person, are totally lame.
After a lull in the conversation, you, for some reason, decided to get it going again with “what classes are you taking?” Nice move, jackass.
“I just panicked!” you said, in a later interview. “The stakes were so high, and I don’t know how to function as a person.”
Peterson responded by listing his classes, including a history class, a philosophy class, french, and a fourth one he just couldn’t remember.
“Ugh there’s always one that just slips your mind, haha” said you, like an idiot.
“Haha totally,” said Peterson. Agonizing.
“Oh it’s chemistry! Duh.” said Peterson, after a full minute of silence.
At this point, you decided to tell Peterson the classes you were taking, despite the fact that he didn’t ask. “I’m taking an english class call-”
However, Peterson, not realizing that you were still talking, got up to get more chocolate milk.
“I’m getting more chocolate milk. Oh were you saying something?” asked Peterson.
While you had actually been saying something, you, for some reason, said that you hadn’t been, urging Peterson to go ahead. Coward.
“I actually had been saying something, but he already stood up. What’s the move then? He sits back down? He doesn’t get his chocolate milk,” you told The Haystack. “This is a nightmare.” Our reporters agreed, but let you get back to your meal.
Haystack reporters also interviewed Peterson while he was getting his chocolate milk. “Is this going well? No,” said Peterson. “Do I have anywhere else to be until 2:30? Also no.”
Peterson returned to the table with his chocolate milk, where you were just staring blankly into space.
“Chocolate milk. Nice. Love that stuff,” said you. Our reporters missed the rest of the interaction because the second-hand embarrassment overcame their bodies. We bring our readers this story because the world needs to know how bad and awkward you are. Next time, try any other question. Maybe develop one original bone in your weak, weak body and try to find out something interesting. Or better yet, never get lunch with anyone ever again! You make me sick.
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