At this point in the academic year, it’s hard to find a single person who isn’t tired of Zoom. Everything about it is sooo exhausting. We’re getting all riled up just talking about it. Listen, if we wanted to see funny-looking people in tiny boxes, we would play a quick round of Guess Who. But that’s besides the point. We can all agree that Zoom lectures blow big fat chunks. The biggest and fattest ever. All over the place. While some might say that description is too graphic, we here at the Haystack say it’s not graphic enough! But what if Zoom didn’t have to blow big fat chunks all over the place? What would happen then? One student dared to ask the question, and our reporters answered his call.
The next round of classes began last week, and already the Haystack reported an 100% increase in second semester, but a 78% decrease in will to live. Those stats are not good, you guys. Those aren’t the kind of numbers we like to see here at the Haystack. And we would toootally do something about it, but we’re currently really busy doing news related activities, like scrapbooking the last Mountain Day, for instance, or figuring out which edition of the Record is best for wiping our asses. But thankfully, we didn’t have to!
On his Wednesday night Zoom call for HIST 260: How Penis Envy Shaped The Cold War (Hint: it’s all in the missiles), Francis Bacon’s ‘24 screen caused quite a ruckus. Bacon’s roommate, who would like to be referred to throughout this article as “The Artist,” turned on his desk lamp and began doing like, really good shadow puppets behind Bacon. According to reports, first he made a dog. Then he made a bird, probably a black-capped chickadee considering our geographic location. Then, in a daring turn of events he made a bunny rabbit. One source says he even made it hop. “It was better than anything I had ever seen before,” said one student who witnessed the events, with a gleam in their eye. “I cried.”
Our reporters took the time to interview Bacon’s roommate, “The Artist,” to see if we could absorb even a fraction of his artistic genius. When asked how he came up with the idea to do shadow puppets behind his roommate during a Zoom meeting, “The Artist,” after taking a long, slow drag from a clove cigarette, said: “It just did.”
The Haystack then asked how “The Artist” was adjusting to his new found status as a campus visionary/sex icon, to which he said: “No comment.” Mysterious and aloof, just like the sex icons of yore.
One of “The Artists’” friends then called out to him from across the quad while using his real name, which the Haystack can confirm is “Albert.” In a futile attempt to keep us from discovering this secret, “Albert” pulled the collar of his Basquiat shirt over his face and slinked away like a little weasel back to his Mission single. Well played “Albert,” well played.