Yep, this article is about you. There’s no need to deny it, no need to be shy, everyone already knows you were the one making all that ruckus in the library.
Everyone was looking at you, and they were all upset. Yes, I mean everyone. Even the CSS officers with the huge jangley keys — well not that we could actually hear those keys over your little episode — were irritated by you unzipping your backpack, AND getting out your computer charger, AND getting up from your chair, AND opening the dumb little door in the carpet, AND plugging the block in, AND plugging the cord in, AND as if you hadn’t offended us enough, your computer made the charging sound.
Honestly, we felt bad for you. We’ve never felt so embarrassed for a person. I could tell you were embarrassed for yourself, I mean you were beet red fumbling with that charging cord. Dripping with sweat too. It was gross and — well you already know this — annoying. All crouched down on one knee over the socket hole, unable to find where the charging prongs fit in. I bet you could feel all 4,000 eyes on you. All 4,000 really bothered, distracted eyes from 2,000 really bothered, distracted students.
How did we get called to the scene? Well, besides literally hearing it from our office, the Williamstown Police Department called us, telling us they got reports of an earthquake? Or like a 4-way semi-truck crash? Or like a destructive game of big Jenga? Bottom line, they were really concerned about a real commotion happening on the mezzanine level of Sawyer, a historically very quiet place. The WPD was pretty freaked out, so they contacted us at The Haystack to check out the scene and tell them if it was too scary. We went because we’re fearless, and we’ve seen shit in the Sawyer library before, and we’re not afraid to see it again.
But what did we see arriving on the case? Just you, being criminally distracting, causing a scene, and making the entire Sawyer mezzanine alllll about you. We recorded 6 separate sightings of emails being drafted asking for extensions. Nearly everyone else in the building left. Even people with AirPod Pros, yeah, the noise cancelling ones. All while you were obliviously bumbling about, pulling on the tiny, squeaky baby handle, trying to open the outlet hatch next to your seat.
In fact, this whole event actually happened over two weeks ago, but us reporters were SO distracted by your dumb little charger that we totally forgot to write this. Total lapse in focus and it’s your fault. For two whole weeks. You derailed our entire publication just because your dumb little computer was going to die before you finished writing your dumb little tutorial response. I bet your professor didn’t even find it that insightful. Write it by hand next time. It will build character.
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