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Op-Ed: I’m Going To Win Brunch

Sunday brunch. Yeah, I’m gonna wake up, go to Resky, make a not-so-bad hangover (which I will complain about a lot) into an actually bad hangover by eating tater-tots and drinking too much coffee, and then complain about that even more. Then, I’m going to be insufferable about whatever assignment I have due tomorrow that really doesn’t even matter that much. But I won’t tell you that. You’re not in my class. You have no idea that I’m actually allowed to drop this assignment. I don’t even have to do it, but boy am I going to make you feel bad for me.

But most importantly, if there’s one thing my friends and I are going to do at Sunday brunch, it’s win.

Yes, I’m going to win Whitman’s brunch by assembling the best four-man gab team and we’re going to laugh louder than you’ve ever heard any friends laugh in your entire life. Step one: Control Lee’s. Lee’s is the panopticon of Williams College and you best believe I’m going to use that to my advantage. When my friends and I arrive, we’re going straight to Lee’s and we’re going to toss our jackets and backpacks into a booth that someone obviously left their water bottle at on purpose, and THEN go get our food. That right there, is step one, we’ve just asserted a certain ownership of Lee’s that we can claim our space without even being there. A booth, no less.

Once we arrive back at Lee’s, all eyes will be on us. Perfect. I don’t care if the glances are snide, all press is good press. To win brunch, we HAVE to have more fun than everyone else in the room. With that in mind, it’s time to seal the deal: we settle into that booth we so rowdily claimed, and commence the dish. Now, for a bit of transparency, none of us had lit-crazy-movie kind of nights, we go to Williams College, but my god are you going to believe that we did. Really, it doesn’t matter that we were all in bed by midnight, because every little bit of gossip we’ve gathered over the past week is getting spilled. Nobody is safe. I might make something up just for even more drama. We’re going to lean in over the table, we’re going to have theatrical reactions, ridiculous gesticulations, and boy are we going to laugh. Way louder than you and your friends are going to laugh. Why? Oh, because we’re having more fun and we also have more gossip and we are also more interesting.

We will walk away from that booth as champions, cleaning up every plate we brought because yeah, even though we’re obviously rowdy, fun, and crazy, we’re also goddam respectful, so you CAN’T dislike us. You thought we were annoying? Don’t care. You thought we were disruptive to those trying to do work? Didn’t ask. We had more fun. We win.


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