Last night, Jeffery Tinkle ‘23 announced via 6 separate Instagram stories that he had launched an internal investigation to find out who got him sick.
“I need to know,” he said, as he continued to not clean out the grime from under his fingernails. “I need to know who did this to me, the cleanest boy on campus.”
Tinkle is the most recent victim of the Williams College plague, a mono-like disease characterized by a vague group of symptoms including a sore throat, a stuffy nose, increased libido, hot and cold flashes, an inflated sense of self importance, hives, fever, talking too much and for too long, stinky, loss of vision, sweats, long fingers, and being a virgin.
Tinkle has been experiencing some, but not all, of these symptoms for a few days.
“I just don’t understand,” said Tinkle, as he tucked a white linen napkin into the collar of his shirt and licked his chapped, crusty lips. “I’ve been masking up, washing my hands. I took every precaution.” Tinkle then picked up a fork and knife and proceeded to tuck into a big bowl of trash he found on the floor of a frosh quad common room.
According to Tinkle, these symptoms are impacting his quality of life, which is why he feels it is important to determine the source of the illness. “That’s just math,” he said, as he stared at the door to the Haystack office with hunger in his eyes. “Once we know how I got sick, we can figure out how to get me NOT sick.”
Tinkle is very smart, and everybody thinks so.
When we brought up the fact that several people have reported seeing Tinkle licking Hoxsey street doorknobs on multiple different occasions, Tinkle just rolled his eyes, and when we asked him whether or not he thought this might have something to do with him getting sick, he made a “uh, uh, uh” noise and then laughed for 6 minutes. “Uh yeah, I licked those knobs,” cackled Tinkle. “I slobbered all over those knobs. But if you think that had anything to do with me getting sick, you’re dead fucking wrong. Someone did this to me. I know they did.”
We went to the Health Center to ask them what they thought, and they were closed.