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“Holy shit we didn’t think you guys would, like, actually do it” Says Admin on High Return Numbers

Over 1600 students plan to return to Williams in the fall, vastly outnumbering the prediction of 10-20 idiots, and leaving the administration with a “bit of a conundrum, for sure,” according to Scott Lewis, who isn’t part of the administration, but is “totally tight with all those folks.”

The administration felt it had been relentless in its attempts to dissuade students from returning, engaging in like 10 town halls, (the real number is impossible to determine) knowing full well that no one enjoys town halls. “I mean we really made sure to take away the things people like. Stuff like ‘socializing’ and ‘in-person classes’ and ‘mealtimes,’” said Marlene Sandstrom. “But you crazy kids just didn’t take the hint. Ah, to be young.”

College leadership assumed the high numbers were due to a classic Peoplesoft glitch, but were astounded to find out that the website had counted something correctly.

While the College invited students back to campus, they assumed that students were socially adept enough to understand that it would be, like, totally weird if they actually went. “I mean yeah we ‘invited you back to campus,’ but we didn’t think you guys would actually interpret that as an ‘invitation back to campus,’” said Maud Mandel. “We said ‘you’ll probably get corona,’ and you guys said ‘okay, and?’”

“As a liberal arts college, we pride our students on their ability to take in information, analyze it critically, and then make informed decisions based on that same information,” said Sandstrom. “So we’re not really sure what happened here.”

The administration now has to house more students than expected, and it initially seemed nearly impossible that every student would get a single, despite the administration’s best hopes. “We might have to do some doubling of rooms,” said Doug Schiazza. “Even despite the fact that Scott keeps offering to ‘give up his house and sleep in a tent all the time,’ which is a request literally no one has asked of him. Also Bernice said no.”

“You kids are absolutely crazy,” said Scott Lewis, shaking his head with a wry smile. “Absolute mad lads. I appreciate that daredevil spirit. I say, ‘what the hell?’ Let’s all sleep in tents. No one really needs a room when outside can be your room.”


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