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Group of Williams Students Smoking Located by Following Sound of Coughs

This toke is no joke! Last Friday night, Brad Warbles ‘23 came to the Haystack publication office with an interesting story regarding a peculiar experience he had on campus just moments earlier. When we asked how he knew we’d be in our offices during peak Hoxsey hours, Bradley simply laughed in our faces and said “Seriously?”

Words hurt, Bradley. Despite this negative and needlessly shameful comment, the Haystack reporters, like the well adjusted and super-cool members of the press that we are, decided to hear him out. His story starts like this:

“I was with my buddies just enjoying our night out, chilling, skipping rocks on the Hoosic River in total darkness, discussing which member of the Scooby Doo gang is our favorite (mine is Shaggy), when all of a sudden, we hear what sounds like a large duck, or maybe a regular sized goose,” says Warbles, “which is strange, because right before this me and the guys threw rocks at all the birds to scare them away from our stone skipping spot.” The Haystack would like to note that Warbles definitely seemed like the type of guy to throw stones at geese when we first met him. Warbles continues, “I ran back here immediately to tell you, because I knew you guys would get to the bottom of this. Well, actually, I wanted to call Scooby and the gang, but you were a close second!” Fool me twice, Bradley.

The Haystack sent its best reporters to the spot described by Warbles and his “buds,” and as soon as we got there we heard the mysterious sounds as well. One reporter described it as “like a chainsaw, but if someone was turning it on and off continuously.” We held hands single-file as we investigated the sound, but not because we were scared, just so someone wouldn’t get lost. After a long trek, we located the source of the mysterious sound: a group of freshmen smoking from a pipe shaped like Garfield the cat. The sound heard by Warbles turned out to be coughing, as each member of the group was hacking violently immediately following taking a puff. Our initial thoughts were extremely negative, like “Who let these local kindergartens smoke a blunt?” but we eventually put our feelings aside and asked their appointed “weed-handler” Dudley Peacock ‘25 for his thoughts. The only comment Peacock could manage off his obviously exaggerated high was, “I got this from my brother, I didn’t know how strong it would be.” What an absolutely piece of work. Let's hope next time, they get some quieter weed.


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