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Fall From Grace: Once Respected Professor Fails To Receive Clean Plate Award At Lyceum Dinner

A spoonful of mashed potatoes. Six stalks of asparagus. A nub of steak. That’s all it took for Professor Jarvis to lose the respect of his superiors, his coworkers, his students, his wife and his family.

“It was a shameful display, really” reported Janey Grink, ‘25. “Everyone else had finished their meals, everyone but Professor Jarvis. It really made me think, ‘Wow, if Professor Jarvis can’t even stomach a 4 oz Ribeye, can he really be trusted to teach POEC 202?”

Grink wasn’t alone in her disappointment. We also spoke to Link Laguzio, ‘23, who had invited Professor Jarvis to the dinner initially.

“I’m just… I’m in shock,” Laguzio sat in our office on the fifth floor of Hopper, draped in a foil blanket — the kind they give to marathon runners and hypothermia patients. “You just, you think you know a person. I’d taken four of Professor Jarvis’ classes. He was my thesis advisor. How am I going to find a new thesis advisor?”

Laguzio told us that he even asked if Professor Jarvis was “going to finish that,” referring to his half-eaten dinner.

We contacted Professor Jarvis’s mother who said she was “disgusted, appalled” but mostly just sad. “I know I didn’t raise him like that.”

But we at the Haybale believe in balanced, unbiased reporting. We were determined to give Professor Jarvis his fair shake. We slipped some loose kinetic sand into his SU Box (as an offering), as well as a folded sticky note asking him for a “ronday view.” It is worth noting that Jarvis’ SU Box was filled with mean notes and threats.

We sat down with Professor Jarvis at Gifts For The Curious on Spring Street, to show him we were hard hitting journalists with interrogative, curious minds.

“I’ve got to be honest, I don’t really understand what the big deal is,” Professor Jarvis said, stupidity in his eyes. “But right at the end of the dinner, everyone started cheering ‘Clean Plate Club.’ They all put on these bowler hats and bibs and mini bow ties that all said ‘Clean Plate Club, Lyceum Fall 2022.’ I asked for one because, ya know, I’m just a regular guy, I like to be included. But they yelled at me and said I wasn’t a ‘brethren in plate cleanliness.’ They chanted ‘Little Full Boy’ at me for the rest of the night. It was really mean.” It was here that Professor Jarvis really broke down. “My wife hasn’t talked to me since. My kids won’t look at me. That was two weeks ago. I knew I shouldn’t have had that late lunch — stupid stupid stupid!”

We ran into the chair of the English Department — Professor Jack Brook — later that day and asked him for his thoughts on the controversy.

“Oh, Professor Jarvis?” Professor Brook was familiar with the situation. “Yea, that guy’s getting canned. You think Maud stands for faculty whose eyes are bigger than their stomachs? Think again. It shows physical fallibility, mental weakness, and a lack of drive. You know what they say, if you can’t jump with the big frogs get off the lilypad.”


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