On Wednesday afternoon, President Maud Mandel called an emergency press conference to address the recent lack of forks in campus dining halls. In a somber but brave tone, Mandel apologized for the shortage and laid out a plan of action to return Whitman’s Dining hall to its former state of something that, like, generally works. “This is not who we are,” Mandel said, trying to eat a piece of three-mustard chicken with a spoon to demonstrate her understanding of students’ struggles. “I am taking control of the situation and will be sparing no expense in ensuring that students are once again able to easily and efficiently shove underwhelming food into their mouths.”
Mandel then laid out her 11-point plan to “ease the pain” endured by students during the fork shortage. Step 1, effective immediately, is to replace all dining hall food with go-gurts and corn dogs. Students will be allowed to take as many of each item as they desire when they swipe into the dining hall, though returning for second helpings will of course not be allowed, as there must be limits to all pleasures. Unfortunately, due to the exorbitant cost of overnight deliveries of corndogs by the truckload, the College was forced to mortgage all of its plates and bowls. Students hoping for a large meal will have to carry all of their corn-dogs and go-gurts out of the dining hall in their arms, or any sacks brought from home.
Steps two through eleven of the plan are, according to Mandel, just as exciting as the first. “Starting next week, dining halls will also be serving ants on a log,” she told reporters in a reassuring tone. “And soon after that, we will be unveiling popsicles, bananas, and hand-porridge!”
Mandel promised our reporter that the decision not to include corn on the cob in the new menu had nothing to do with a video that surfaced last night of a buttery ear of corn falling out of her hands onto the floor, after which she went on to verbally berate Jim Resiche for “making it too damn greasy like you always do!” She then pushed Reische into a pile of stale corndogs. “I’m done with this stupid fucking prototype testing.”
Student reaction to the plan has been mixed. While Patrick Thomas ‘24 told our reporter that it will be “so fun to eat corn dogs every day,” Susannah Green ‘22 pointed out that they “maybe could have just bought more forks. I think there’s a fork store somewhere on Route 2.” When confronted with this idea, Mandel was unfazed. “I understand how you might be confused,” she told our reporter, “but really all you have to do is cut it at the end, and then the yogurt just comes right out. You’re going to be fine.”