The annual Williams Career Fair made its way into the Purple Valley this past
September. The Haystack sent a handful of reporters to uncover details about this year’s event. The reporters were able to determine, with complete certainty, that those of you who skipped this epic networking event are destined for a future of being poor as fuck.
Students attending the Fair were most attracted to companies that offered immense prestige, a positive impact on the world, and, most importantly, an opportunity to drown in passive income. Bain and Company took home the trophy for longest wait time and preppiest demographic. It took approximately 45 minutes to get through the line, and any student without clear, non-prescription glasses was immediately turned away.
BNP Paribas entered the Career Fair with low expectations, but walked away with the first place ribbon for best prizes. The French bank gave away energy enhancing supplements, powdered sugar packets, and cocaine.
The saddest tale of the Fair was the PeaceCorps booth. Only one idiot who didn’t want that sweet, sweet cash made their way to the volunteer organization. Disgusting.
A woman who looked like Maud Mandel but wearing a fake mustache, who we found in line for the JP Morgan booth, gave us her take on the Fair. “If only I had gone to the career fair when I was a student in college I wouldn’t be stuck in the dead-end job I have now, slaving away for no money in a shitty off-white house surrounded by incredibly ugly students – I mean co-workers.
Our most recent estimates calculate that future earnings increase by 400% for any student who attends the career fair. Accordingly, security was tight. Students who didn’t attend elite prep schools were quickly gunned down by armed guards. An argument between students over whether or not Hunter High School is “elite” ended with a fractured collarbone and, even worse, a lost spot in line.
A few Haystack reporters surveyed the rest of campus during the Fair, and found the collection of idiots who opted to skip the Fair engaged in a variety of activities. A group of students was seen working on math problems in Schow Library, presumably in preparation for effectively counting the tiny, flavorless beans they will have to serve to their children some day because of their meager salaries. Others were seen in Sawyer Library with books open, likely memorizing stories to recite to themselves when they have no other form of entertainment besides staring up into the gray cement of the overpass above them.
On the ground, Ronald Wilson '22 gave his take on the event in an interview with The Haystack. “I’m not at the career fair to simply get a job, I’m here to get a career, and that’s what sets me apart from these other candidates.” Unfortunately, our chat with Wilson was cut short, as he was quickly carted off by two CSS officers who said he wasn’t tall enough to be eligible for the Fair.
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