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Crew Team Shaken After Discovering Existence of Gas-Powered Boats

The Williams College Men’s Varsity Crew team, also commonly referred to as the “heavies," entered this fall poised for a successful season of using boats to travel down bodies of water less slowly than their opponents. This week, however, the team received new information that dealt an enormous blow to morale. Team captain Kevin Nelson ‘20 stepped away from a silent and visibly shaken locker room to share the details with Haystack reporters. “It turns out they have these boats where you don’t even need to row,” Nelson said, trying to retain his composure. “You can use gas and they just go. And you can even face forwards while you drive them.”

Timmy Green ‘22, one of the team’s stars, described the news as “honestly just kind of bullshit.” Other strapping young athletes who were willing to speak to Haystack reporters in this emotionally fraught moment claimed to be feeling “confused,” “shaken up,” and “lost.”

“As an athlete – a varsity athlete – you want to know that what you’re doing has purpose,” Green said. “We thrive on that feeling of swiftly moving across the water, knowing we’re doing something meaningful by getting from point A all the way to point B where the bus is waiting to take us back to point A. If they have these ‘motorboats’ that just take you there without doing anything, then what’s this all been about? Am I just some kind of clown?”

Many on the team expressed concern that word would spread about the existence of gas-powered boats, and potentially hurt their legitimacy among their many, many fans. Fortunately, Haystack reporters were able to chat with all three fans of the team, who confirmed that their fandom would not be affected, explaining that they had, in fact, “heard of fucking motorboats before.”

After careful consideration, the team has decided not to disband, citing their close bonds with each other and their impact on the community as reasons to keep working hard.

“When you’re part of a team – a varsity team – you don’t just quit on each other,” Nelson explained. “You show up every day and work your hardest, even if it turns out other boats exist that could be doing the work for you. We keep fighting because of our fans, because of the kids who look up to us, and most importantly, because we are a group of brothers, united by the unbreakable bond of having chosen the same club – I mean varsity – sport when we showed up at college.”


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