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College Launches “Rejected Students’ Day” Program to Assure Rejected Applicants They Are Better Off




President Maud Mandel announced Tuesday that, after reviewing the budget, she had realized the college had like, way too much money. Like, so much more money than would seem reasonable for one institution to have. “I know everyone had been talking about ‘budget cuts’ and ‘inflation,’” Mandel told the Haybale “but I had my accountant take a look on it and turns out we forgot to add another zero to the endowment? Haha… happens all the time.”


“I knew I had to do something with all that extra cash, I just didn’t know what,” Mandel lamented. “I knew it had to be extravagant. And I really wanted it to be different, a sort of ‘never been done before.’ That’s when it hit me: Rejected Students Day.”


“Not getting into Williams can be… disappointing.” Mandel reasoned. “That’s why we’re offering all rejected applicants a chance to come to campus and see everything they won’t be missing.”


After some expert investigative reporting (asking questions), and some classified document acquisition (requesting share access on the Google Drive), we here at the Haybale were able to obtain a copy of the itinerary for the upcoming Rejected Students Day.


The afternoon the Rejected Students arrive, they will undergo an authentic First Days experience.


“They’re just gonna have like, so much time.” Dean Walsh explained with a slight smile. “But they won’t know each other yet. So it’s like three hours of unstructured free time with strangers. It’s going to be so fucking awkward I can’t wait.”


Then comes dinner. If they didn’t know what bulgur pilaf was before, oh boy, they probably still won’t know now. It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries, and it will be in their stomachs.


It is during the after dinner festivities that the real fun begins, however. First they will attend the performance of an all-male acapella group where they will sing three songs, two of which are Backstreet Boys and one of which is a Sea Shanty.


Then for a night out on the town! Williamstown, that is. The Rejected Students will all go back to their little Freshman dorms and form groups of 7-15 people where they will each be allotted one and a half White Claws. After successfully pre-gaming, they will then file out into the streets in search of a party. But alas, do they not know? It is a Friday night in Williamstown, there’s nothing to see here. They aimlessly wander in packs, braving the cold (yes– the cold. The famously cold month of April) only to wind up in a Lee’s booth, mindlessly shoving fried green beans into their mouths.


But oh wait! There’s more! One pack of Rejected Students have found their way to Goffs. They walk in and it immediately becomes clear that this is the house of the Seven Deadly Sins. It is the Second Fall of humanity. Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth, all under one incredibly poorly constructed roof. The music is too loud and yet nobody is dancing. 6 of the Rejected Students lose their Aritzia Puffer jackets under a pile 25 other Aritzia Puffer jackets.


The Rejected Students then wake up the next morning for their 9am ticket home, and are disappointed — but not surprised — to find that brunch doesn’t open till 11. They instead order a turkey and cheese sandwich from Spring Street Market for $9.


The college generously offered to comp the bus tickets for the Class of Anywhere But Williams 27’, provided the students find a way to get to the Pittsfield Bus Station themselves. “Use the Berkshire Regional Transit Authority – it’s so easy!” Mandel suggested. It was not easy. The Rejected Students waited outside the WCMA Balls for three hours until one 6 person van showed up, which said it was going to North Adams. “That’s fine,” one of the Rejected Students sighed. “Anywhere but here.”


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