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Ask The Haybale: What Smooth Moves Can I Pull Today To Score A Date By Tonight?



It's that time of year when love is in the air, and I know what you are thinking. How am I going to win over that special someone? How can I make my Pal(entine) my Valentine? You have come to the right place. As the Haybale's resident love expert, I'm willing to spill my secrets.


 It all starts with the vending machine eggs. Two eggs per package, you know, just perfect for you and your sweetheart. All you have to do is offer them a peeled, slightly wet hard boiled egg and they will fall head over heels for you. You can look into each other's eyes while you bite into your delicious eggs. A pro tip for this moment is to blink rapidly. That will draw attention to your eyes, the windows to the soul. Better yet if you can wink alternately with each eye, drawing your sweetheart into a kind of hypnosis and alluring confusion. 


If the eggs don't work, don't worry. You can also indicate your romantic interest in someone by staring at them in class and never saying a word to them. If they approach you, stay cool and mysterious. The best thing to say in this situation is "eeeeeh meep" or "do you like the movie Cars 3?" You could also begin reciting the first eighteen lines of the Canterbury tales. Later, if you encounter each other casually walking across campus, acknowledge them with a terse nod and a "hello, paramour." that will subtly indicate to them your desire for a romantic relationship. Another strategy is to crochet a small hat for your future baby and present it to them. 


Once you have managed to get that special someone interested in you, it is time to formally ask them to be your Valentine. For this I suggest wearing a hazmat suit, to show the person that you value cleanliness and safety. Here are a few ways to phrase your question:


- Not to toot my own horn, but I'd like to toot yours. Will you be my Valentine?

- Roses are red, potatoes are brown, you are the highlight of Williamstown. Date me?

- If we were both squirrels, and I was a red squirrel and you were a gray squirrel, and we both lived in Narnia, would you want to date me?

- You doth not forsake me!

- I like you and I think you're cool. Wanna go to dinner soon?


The last one was inserted by the editor. I do not take credit for that sorry excuse for a proposition. 


Go forth, now, and be confident. You are well prepared to court your special someone, just don't stray from these suggestions and you will get your Valentine, guaranteed or money back*.


*money will be returned in the form of coupons to Unlimited Nutrition


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