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Ask The Haybale: All My Friends Happen To Be Going To Miami At The Same Time, Am I Missing Something

“I’m sure it’s just a coincidence,” said Crow Riley, ‘26. “I mean, Katie very specifically said there was no group chat.”

Crow Riley remarked this to Haybale reporters while sliding through Instagram story after Instagram story of all 5 of his closest friends dancing at some hazy club together with a Miami geotag.

“They probably just… ran into each other there? Or maybe they knew I can’t handle that much UV… haha, they’re always looking out for me,” Crow laughed, but we could tell even he wasn’t convinced.

When we asked Crow whether or not he felt he was being “iced out” by the group (yea, we know slang), he said definitely not.

“No, no, for sure not. They always call me on Friday nights. I took three gap years – one for hockey, one for COVID, one for the Disney College Program – so I’m the only one in the group who can buy the White Claw Surges. I’m necessary for the dynamic — no one can replace the White Claw Surge Guy.”

Determined to do our journalistic due diligence, we sat with Crow while he scrolled through a few more instagram posts and snapchat stories, just to get the full picture.

“Aw man, DJ Snake was there!” Crow put down his phone in anguish. His aforementioned friend Katie did, indeed, post a photo of her with everyone else in Crow’s friend group, and also DJ Snake. She was also holding a White Claw Surge.

“Where do you think she got the White Claw Surge?” Crow demanded. “Do you think DJ Snake gave it to her? Whatever, it’s not like DJ Snake is gonna kick me out of our housing group. He can’t right?”

We assured Crow that DJ Snake probably was not going to replace him in the group, but also advised that he should maybe look into other living options before the Housing Portal closes on Friday. Ya know, just in case.


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