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Alpha Males Playing Spikeball Shirtless Look Handsome, Free Spirited

Multiple students corroborated reports yesterday of a group of four muscular, particularly well-adjusted students playing a friendly—but athletically impressive—game of Spikeball. These students were handsome, they were shirtless, and the game took place directly in front of Paresky steps.

Connor Wilbert ‘22 was the student who had the spontaneous idea to break out the Spikeball net after class. “You know, I had a bit of homework, but sometimes the moment––the sunlight and everything––it just really grabs you, and you have to be a little crazy.”

The four students were not part of a Registered Student Organization, as their talents and experience might imply, but merely a group of pals reveling in the glorious sunlight of Paresky Quad. “It was a good day to play,” remarked Ben Gibson, his sculpted upper body glistening in the bright rays of heavenly light shining down upon him. “Turbo—that’s what we call my friend Mark, we all have nicknames—Turbo and me played on the same team and it was like so good.”

All four men played without shoes, though an observer would have been unlikely to notice based on their performance. “We’re just here to have fun,” Gibson said, shrugging after impressively winning a point by diving into a group of women doing homework. “When my bare feet hit this dirt, I feel like nobody’s watching.” As Gibson finished his musings about the inner peace and mindfulness of Shoeless spikeball, a few women from his Justice and Law class walked past and audibly muttered “Ben put on a shirt.”

However, these boys’ impressive performance does not end at the Spikeball net! Not only do each of them boast high GPAs and an ability to take up multiple minutes of consecutive speaking time in their classes, but they all also self-reported being very generous lovers.


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