The Williams Haystack has committed itself to investigative reporting, uncovering the hidden secrets of campus. From investigations into the equestrian team, to underground frats we’ve exposed, The Haystack has never been more at the top of its game, journalism-wise. Today we bring you the next most pressing question on this campus: where the fuck is that kid gonna keep that skateboard when he gets to wherever he’s going.
The kid in question, Jackson Edison ‘22, has yet to respond to Haystack requests for comment, mostly because we haven’t been able to catch him. After days of jogging around after him, yelling our questions, our investigative team took to other strategies.
“To my knowledge he just leans it against the wall outside the classroom,” said Henry Campbell, one of Edison’s professors. However, Campbell must be lying, considering the classroom is on the second floor of Hopkins, meaning that it’s literally impossible that Edison could have ridden his skateboard up the stairs. There has to be a darker and more insidious conspiracy at play.
It’s possible that Edison could be using his skateboard to get to the dining hall. However, this also feels unlikely, given that riding through the zig-zagging path is probably too difficult for an amateur skateboarder, and it would be too tricky for him to stay on the dots. If he were to leave it outside, it could easily be stolen by some kids looking to get into skateboarding to show that they’re cool.
“He just stores it in his room,” said his girlfriend, Tiana Dwyer ‘22. “When he’s not using it he puts it under his bed.”
Here, Dwyer revealed herself to be part of the same conspiracy, considering that Dwyer is not in the same pod, and therefore has no way of knowing what the inside of Edison’s room looks like, unless they are breaking the rules, which no one would ever do.
Another possibility is that Edison rides his skateboard around for fun, but this theory was disproved by the fact that skateboarding is really hard, and when we tried to do it we fell off a bunch of times and didn’t like it that much at all.
Various members of the administration, when asked if they knew about the “big conspiracy,” said they didn’t, which is exactly what people hiding a big conspiracy would say. According to Marlene “fun-loving” Sandstrom, “lots of kids have skateboards, but don’t use nearly enough protective gear, in my opinion” which was a pretty useless thing for her to tell us and not an answer to the question “what are you hiding?”
After combing through lots of tax documents from the 1970s, we found pretty much nothing, even though that strategy worked really well for The Record, which just proves they’re a bunch of hacks.
Our reporting has led us to the conclusion that Edison is a huge jerk, especially since he won’t let us try to use the skateboard or teach us any cool new tricks. We didn’t figure out what he’s up to, but it’s probably a really big deal.