Benjamin Collins ’26 walked back disgruntled, disheartened, disemboweled (metaphorically).
“Can’t believe she would say that,” Collins mumbled to himself.
He had never thought it would happen to him. In fact, he has been explicitly told that therapists agreed with you. That’s why he went.
But then his roomate, Peter Glen ’26, also started to go to therapy. Which posed no issue because men should go to therapy and be more in touch with their feelings and feel safe and get a little Dove chocolate.
“He was wrong.” Collins whispered as he kicked an acorn across the street.
Three days prior Glen had gotten dinner with Collins’ ex-girlfriend. Not Cool. This had given Collins the perfect opportunity and spiteful desire to dig through Glen’s drawers and find his diary. And what did he find in there? Entries upon entries about everyone Collins has had dinner with besides Glen. Uhhh.. weirdo alert! Before Collins closed the drawer, he saw Glen’s key for his portable safe: a roller backpack with a lock on it.
He grabbed the key and looked around, Pink Panther style. Then he put the key in the lock: Pink Panther style.
He opened the bag. He couldn’t believe his eyes. It was all the shirts he had ever donated to ABC. That’s why he’d never seen them on the display. Glen had been buying them and keeping them. What a freak?
When Glen came home, Collins was sitting there in a pile of shirts he hated. Crying.
“What was I supposed to do? We went to Blango together for the first time when you wore that shirt. You spilled miso soup all over it. God, you can be such a klutz. And that shirt, the green one, with the bunnies, that’s what we wore to the frisbee highlighter party,” Glen said.
Collins told Glen to leave. And when he told his therapist about it, she said “Peter met with me before and I have to say it just seems like he misses you. Maybe be a better friend.”
“Okay. Bitch,” Sklumpy said, kicking the acorn again. But it ricocheted off the sidewalk and hit him in the eye. God is a woman.
Collins went home and told Glen it was okay, because if that’s how he showed love he had to accept it.