In its annual mission to rank different groups of students (but not as a race thing), the College found that kids from New York City are better than everyone else and also you specifically. The study evaluated criteria such as facial bone structure, height of cuffed jeans, and “overall vibes.” It reports that the Midwest is mind-numbingly irrelevant, and the West Coast is just a bunch of drugged out hippies, concluding: “due to the fact that no other city has culture, it was the most logical conclusion that New York City natives are superior.” These findings will be used to determine who gets the most rights in coming semesters.
For many students, these conclusions come as no surprise. “I’m just nowhere near as street smart,” said Rhode Island native Sandra Keniscky. “I get so confused when they talk about parts of the city. Upper East Side? Upper West Side? Lower East Side? What does it mean? Who are the Queens they’re always talking about? They’re so smart for understanding how the streets are numbered there. I could only dream of comprehending how a grid system works.”
Thanks to their new status, New York City kids now legally have the right to spit on you if you say you like Goodrich bagels. “I’m not gonna say I didn’t do that before, but it feels good to know the college backs me in oppressing people who haven’t had Uncle Borgie’s famous everything bagel with schmear,” said New York native Adam Davis ‘22.
But being from the Big Apple isn’t always easy. “Coming to Williams was definitely an adjustment from the craziness of the city. Cause like, the city is so busy all the time. Haha. By ‘the city,’ I mean New York City, of course. It has 8.6 million people. Idk, New York kids just vibe together, you know? I’m from New York City,” said New York City native Togne Bologne ‘21, in response to a question no one asked. Bologne has seen more rats than you could even imagine, due to your small, uncultured worldview.
According to the study, New York City students also have infinitely more stories than you do about things they’ve seen on the subway, which make them more interesting, brave, and resilient than you will ever be with your boring, insignificant suburban upbringing. You probably like Times Square, too. The city would eat you alive, you little baby bitch boy. Where are you from? Oh Pennsylvania? Is that some kind of joke? Disgusting. You're not even good enough for Long Island. I bet you enjoy Mission Pizza, you son of a bitch. Fuck you. It’s called culture. Learn about it.