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Student Feeling Somewhat Empty at Home Without Any Work to Complain About

JUST OUTSIDE OF BOSTON, MA – While the lack of responsibility and abundance of free time inherent in winter break can feel restorative and enjoyable for many students, Jackson Thomas ‘22 has struggled at home this month without the routine of classes, homework, talking about his homework, and comparing his amount of homework to others’ amounts of homework.

“I have sooooo much bio due tomorrow fucking kill me,” said Thomas, to his confused mother. After admitting she thought he didn’t have any work over break, she was told to “shut up, you’re not pre-med, you just don’t get it.”

Thomas, who clarified for our reporter that he is “not totally sure about medical school, but might as well keep the option open, ya know?” had his most stressful semester yet this fall. “I just try to make sure that I keep things balanced. For every class I take that’s so fucking hard you wouldn’t even understand the things we talked about on the first day you drooling Neanderthal, I also try to take one that’s a little bit easier.” Last semester, Thomas took biology, introduction to introductory acting, chemistry, and animal petting, to “balance his schedule and really get the most out of the liberal arts.”

Luckily, Thomas has been able to maintain a schedule somewhat similar to the one he keeps at school, spending almost every evening in his family’s living room staring at a blank computer screen, drinking coffee, sweating profusely, and periodically telling his parents and siblings how lucky they are that they, unlike him, can spend the evening relaxing instead of doing work.

Thomas reports spending most of his time over break playing NBA 2K20, calculating his potential GPA, watching medical school acceptance videos on youtube, and screaming out in agony when he receives a grade back from a professor.

“Sometimes I’m sitting on the couch in the living room and I just hear ‘FUCK THE FUCKING SYSTEM GOD FUCKING DAMN IT,’ from Jackson’s room,” said his older sister, Emily . “That means he probably got an A-. If I start to smell smoke, then it’s a B+. When his high school girlfriend comes over, that’s C territory.”

Thomas says he has briefly experimented with complaining about real-world problems like climate change and homelessness, but has found little joy in talking about anything other than his massive workload.

“There’s something unique in complaining specifically about homework,” confirmed Thomas. “It’s a special type of release to complain about something that happens only to me, the only person in America with a lot of work.


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