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Report: Two Friends Appear to Be Wearing Masks but Passing a Lollipop Back and Forth

Frosh Quad was empty and quiet yesterday afternoon, save for two students walking across the grass. Both wore N-95 masks, goggles, hoods, and face shields. Each carried a yardstick pointed towards the other, guaranteeing a perfect six feet of social distance. Cameron Stanton ‘24 used his free hand to hold a Blue Razz Berry Blow Pop.

After a few licks, Stanton lifted the lollipop with care, pulling up his face shield and pulling down his mask to lick the blow pop and pass it off to his companion. Christina Bradford ‘24 took the candy and then made sure to scoot away to maintain six feet of distance.

“Obviously this pandemic is, like, really serious,” said Stanton, wiping away his spit. “But I’m not not gonna share a lollipop if my friend wants a lick or two. I’m only human.” Bradford waited patiently, then reached over an extremely long pair of custom-made pliers to grasp the lollipop’s white stick. Working with extreme caution, she maneuvered the lollipop across the six-foot gap, then plucked it from the pliers with practiced care while lifting her face shield and lowering her mask. Then with the same care she returned the lollipop to her friend. After watching the whole interaction for about 15 minutes, a CSS officer walked over to intervene.

“I appreciate the social distancing here, but don’t you think the lollipop defeats the purpose?” the officer asked.

“Not at all, actually,” said Bradford. “Also Covid is a hoax, so the only things he’s going to catch from sharing a lollipop like this are herpes and mono.”

“Plus, the sugar in the lollipop kills Covid,” added Stanton.

“Exactly,” said Bradford, “And even if it didn’t, the virus couldn’t spread between us because we’re close friends and we’re in the same training group on the badminton team.”

“Plus I’ve already had Covid twice,” said Stanton. “So I’m immune.”

“Also, we only lick opposite sides of the lollipop, so there’s no transmission of germs,” Bradford cut in. “And we’re outdoors, where the virus can’t spread.”

The CSS officer apologized, sprinted back in his van, and fled the scene at top speed in humiliation.


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