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Report: Those on Book Grant Qualify For Money Back, Hand Stuff

Williams College takes care of its students. That much is abundantly clear from the college’s policy that all books acquired from the College’s bookstore, even if given out for free on the Book Grant, can still be sold back to the school. Reimbursement comes in the form of money, not store credit, and also hand-based sexual acts.

“If students who are able to pay for their books can sell them back at the end of the semester, those who don’t pay should be able to do the same,” reported Dean Dave Johnson. “And once we did one nice thing to start, we just thought, ‘hey, let’s make this program as good as we can.’”

College officials have claimed that the bookstore reimbursement program is consistent with its general approach to resource management. “The program is in keeping with our usual strategy of having generally underwhelming programs and facilities with a few that are far better than they need to be and in no way make up for the shortcomings of everything else,” explained an anonymous official. “The book grant is to equity programs what Garfield house is to dorms, what tutorials are to classroom settings – our crown jewel.”

Much like financial aid in general, the handys provided will be unexciting and not necessarily fun in any way, but will be objectively solid, well-done, and, most importantly, fair. So fair.

Reactions from students have been mixed. From “Oh God, oh God, don’t stop now,” to “It feels weird to not reciprocate in any way,” to “Finally I don’t have to reciprocate in any way,” it seems like everyone has a different opinion on the policy.

The hand stuff will be performed by the college itself, as an institution. Years of managing its own generous endowment have left Williams more than equipped to deal with yours.


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