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Report: SAAC Inexplicably Does Not Plan to Change its Name

Williams College’s Student Athlete Advisory Committee announced today that it will not be changing its name. The official announcement read “What? No. Who are you?” and came in the form of an Instagram DM in response to our message, “are you guys finally mature enough to change your revolting name?”

SACK is one of the most powerful student rights groups at the College. They credit most of their success to “nobody ever threatening the rights of the group we protect.” In recent years, SACK has partnered with a few other civil rights groups that protect the rights of tall, handsome male doctors, pretty blonde women who make over $200,000 per year, and boat owners.

The members of THE SACK remain committed to the important work they do, even if they’re doing it for something called SACK. “One time a professor didn’t let me take his class just because I was going to have to miss half of the meetings for squash matches,” said Newton Greenwich ‘23, who spoke with us at the end of his afternoon class which concluded at a time specifically chosen by the College to allow him and every other student athlete to make it to practice without having to sacrifice anything at all.

An investigation of other student groups on campus revealed that none of the rest of them are called SACK. Assistant Director for Campus Organizations Kris Hoey attributes this to the fact that, “There are a lot of other options for club names that aren’t synonyms for ‘scrotum.’”

Associate director of campus life Mike Bodnarik added that the Student Athlete Advisory Committee is welcome to change its name at any time. “Each year we send them a slightly different RSO registration form than we send to everyone else,” he said urgently, as he had clearly been waiting for years for someone to bring up this topic. “After the line where they enter the name of their club, we add another line that says ‘are you sure?’ and then another that says ‘really?’ and then another that says ‘you just wrote SACK down as the name of your group and there was nobody forcing you to do that, are you sure you want to stick with that?’ But it’s never dissuaded them before.”

SACK leadership was happy to speak with The Haystack about their club name. “Six AM. Six in the morning. That’s when I have to be there for morning lift, not when I have to wake up,” said Sara Morgan-Stanley ‘21.

Nonetheless, BALLSACK plans to keep its name and keep up the good work. They hope, in the coming years, to move beyond protecting athletes from day-to-day persecution and eventually set up some sort of support for athletes from the College––perhaps an effort to get them some inclusion in the College’s party scene.

The Haystack editorial board would like to take this opportunity to politely suggest that WILLIAMS COLLEGE BALLSACK CLUB consider changing its name. It makes an unintentional mockery of the very, very important work that you’re doing. And again: you really just don’t have to be called that.


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