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Report: Friend With Paper Due This Week Will Somehow Make It Your Problem

Sunday brunch, Mission Park, 12:10 PM.  

In front of a plate of cold eggs and potatoes, Jack Maggle ‘25 lowers his head to his hands.

“Fuck I can’t start this paper today.”

Maggle stands up to get another cup of dining hall coffee, a beverage that makes everybody feel good in both their mind and body all the time.  The Haybale, who is not a personal friend of Maggle’s, and was eating brunch at his table for a different reason that is not a conflict of interest, took this time to probe Maggle’s dining partner about what she’s learned about his upcoming week.

Hailey Bale-Writer ‘24 shares readily, “He’s got a four to five-page paper due on Thursday at 8pm, which is really far away from now.  He definitely does not need to start it today. The class is not for his major. It’s also just a first draft, so it really doesn’t have to be good.  But he doesn’t want to hear any of this.”

According to Bale-Writer ‘24, Maggle spent the hours between 1:00 and 3:00 AM the previous night puking in a bathroom that “couldn’t be further from [their] dorm” and is now rendered “completely unable to receive any reassurance, positivity, or toy with the concept that his life is actually good.”  The Haybale conjectures this dejected, unproductive attitude is a product of excessive alcohol consumption.

Maggle mopes back to the table, steaming cup in hand, “I just have no fucking clue what to write about and I’ve barely done any of the reading so I have to do all that before I can even start writing.” 

Bale-Writer responds with condolences, “Damn that blows.”

“Oh god, it’s nearly one already and I said I’d call my mom at four I’m so fucked.  I’m so sorry I don’t think I can drive you to your doctor’s appointment today. If you can find someone else to do it they can for sure borrow my car but I just don’t have the time.”

Bale-Writer practiced patience, “No for sure, I get it.  I’ll just ask someone else.”

Later, Bale-Writer shared her real thoughts, privately, not in a journal but in a face-to-face recorded interview, “He does this every time he has any assignment due.  We’ve got dinner plans for Tuesday but I’ll tell you right now he’s gonna push them to Wednesday, then to Thursday, then to Friday because he apparently needs every waking minute of multiple days to write four shitty pages.”

Throughout the week, the Haybale attempted to catch Maggle for a quote, but all they managed to get was, “No I’m sorry I’m really busy this week. But I would smoke at like 11:30 once I’ve put some more time in on this paper.”


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