A leaked series of emails between the Admissions Office and College President Maud S. Mandel revealed startling developments that the Haybale deemed necessary to share with the Williams College campus community imminently. The email chain consisted of numerous deviant plans, all compromising the integrity of the historic Previews event.
“There’s too many people at this school,” wrote President Mandel in an email. “IDK. The budget dollars are disappearing like my purple cow print socks in the laundry— I’ll have to run this school with a few lonely dollar bills. Oh well, we’ll just raise tuition again, no biggie.”
“We are struggling with consistent over enrollment,” she continued in another email. “Pretty soon this whole campus will be sectioned off as freshman housing. Good thing we have that dirt lot, we can build a new dorm building full of triples there for all the upperclassmen.”
Since it was in bad taste to cancel Previews, the administration instead decided to sabotage the event. Several plans were coordinated, in the hopes of limiting the enrollment numbers of the class of 2028.
Per previous years, every prefrosh who arrives at Previews receives a welcome packet and a Williams t-shirt. However, the email chain revealed that WOC Director Scott Lewis stayed up cutting holes in the armpits of all the t-shirts. Reportedly, the cutout pieces of t-shirts will be used in the Funfetti pancakes served at various dining halls.
At the famed Purple Key Fair, admissions ambassadors and campus tour guides will interfere with club booths. These student employees would be paid for this time. The event would also end early after about 45 minutes when an unknown Williamstown Elementary student pulls the fire alarm causing an immediate evacuation.
Every class visit would begin with the professor cold calling on students and laughing in their faces when they cannot regurgitate the assigned readings by heart. Halfway through the class, the professor would get on the table and dance to “Karma” by Jojo Siwa, then resume lecturing as if nothing had happened. Each professor who partakes would allegedly be compensated with a $15 gift card to the Spring Street establishment of their choice.
Finally, Maud Mandel’s welcome address would be fraught with chilling statistics about the student body and alumni: the number of recent graduates unable to find work, the high costs students were forced to shoulder, and the lifelong chronic effects of the boom boom sauce on the human body.
“While I understand the college’s desire to limit enrollment numbers for the class of 2028, this has gone way too far,” said Sarah Pailing ‘24. “People are taking time off to visit our campus, and we shouldn’t take advantage of that. Instead, we should show them what it’s really like to be a Williams student. Problem sets, readings, exams, grain bowl night, Hoxsey, umm… oh did I mention the bang bang shrimp? The dragon chicken?”
While it might be too late to reverse the damage already set forth, we at the Haybale have faith in our campus community to come together in these trying times. Hopefully, we hope we will not be forced to bear witness to the hordes of prefrosh frantically covering up the gaping armpit holes in their t-shirts as they realize that at Williams College, even the t-shirts have their own unique coming-of-age story.