On Account Of College-Wide Budget Cuts, This Year’s Mountain Day Is Brought To You By Applebees®

“We are so fortunate to/for the wonderful folks at Applebees for sponsoring this year’s Mountain Day,” said President Maud Mandel in an official statement. “We are excited about the changes they are bringing to Mountain Day programming and hope to build a fruitful partnership in the years to come.”

“Join us for one of our many new events,” said WOC chancellor Ben Oliver. “I’m personally excited for the Double Crunch Shrimp six-miler. Something about their texture has me hooked. Far and away better than the crappy shrimps they serve over at Chili’s. The trees look especially pretty this year also.”

In lieu of the typical donuts and apple cider, students will be met at Haley Farm by a spread of boneless wings and Dollaritas®. Jeff Drainstack, manager of the local Pittsfield Applebee’s Franchise, also insisted that Mountain day not be a Friday, but instead a Tuesday, in order to coincide with Applebee’s famous $9.99 burger days. Drainstack took the liberty of changing the name of the College-wide celebration as well, dubbing it “Applebee’s Family Mountain Day: There Are Mountains But It’s Mostly About The Spinach Artichoke Dip And Brew Pub Bavarian Pretzels.”

President of Ephlats – Shmavi Kane, ’26, — expressed her regrets that the College also forfeited a capella’s sovereignty over their song picks. “They insisted we do that song, whopper whopper whatever. We told [Drainstack] that was Burger King’s jingle, but he was having none of it. He’s even making the Aristocows sing the Baby Back Ribs song instead of ‘Part of Your World.’ That’s a Chili’s song.”

The Haybale did some digging into this Drainstack character to find that he was not in fact a manager at Applebees, in fact, he wasn’t affiliated with ’Bees at all. The only work experience on his LinkedIn was YMCA camp counselor (2008-2014), VP of sales and marketing at Aubuchon Hardware (2014-2016), and self-employed fast casual food critic (2016-present). The College must keep its deal with Drainstack, however, because Ben Oliver owes Drainstack $36,000 over the next four years and signed away the naming rights to the Ronald McDonald Equipment Room.