How Can the College Continue to Justify Funding an Equestrian Team That Doesn’t Share Their Ketamine

In the latest of a series of puzzling and, frankly, outrageous moves, Williams College will continue to fund the equestrian team even in light of their recent refusal to share any (not even a drop) of their ketamine. Commonly used as a horse tranquilizer, ketamine, or as the kids these days call it, Special K, is a “general, short-acting anesthetic with hallucinogenic effects,” according to the DEA. Faced by the oncoming winter and the seasonal depression it will inevitably bring, Williams students, now more than ever, need their ketamine. Nay, Williams students are entitled to their ketamine. However, when their fellow Ephs need them most, Williams Equestrian knows only silence: a cruel, deafening silence. See, when I first came to the Purple Valley, I was told that the best part of Williams was its people, that this school had a community unlike any other: a community that stuck together through thick and thin regardless of where you’re from, who you know, what sports you play, and what hard drugs you rely on as an emotional crutch. But alas, my rose-tinted perceptions of the school I once thought I knew have been shattered, desecrated, and crushed up like the Super K we all so desire to snort. It wasn’t a bold request, just a little ketamine, only a small amount of Kit Kat, just a tad bit of Cat Valium. Was that too much to ask for? Are we wrong as a student body to crave a little spice in our lives? How dare you, Williams Equestrian! How dare you spit in the face of the collective students of Williamstown? Will we continue to stand by complacently while this injustice rocks our education system? Will we continue to let the elites of society control our choices, our lives, and, most importantly, our ketamine? Wake up, Williamstown.