Groundbreaking! Record Survey On Female Orgasm Finds You Are The Only Williams Student Who Can’t Make A Woman Cum

In an effort to bring issues of sexual inequality to light on the Williams Campus, the Record issued a survey asking women about their orgasmic history as well as their previous partners. 

The results of the survey were stark, but not surprising: you are the only Williams College student who can’t make a woman cum.

To get to the bottom of the issue, the Record employed its best undercover journalists, The Haybale, to speak to your former sexual conquests. Well, ‘conquests’ in the Christopher Columbus sense, i.e. subjected to a man who was overly confident, completely misguided, and detrimental to marginalized groups for generations to come. 

“Yeah, we’d really just go at it for hoooooours,” your ex-girlfriend commented. “Not in, like, a good way. No results. But it was great for my productivity. Usually, when he was giving me head, I could get through a couple readings, send some emails. Once I did an entire take-home, start to finish. Well, to the exam’s finish, if you know what I mean.”

She then clarified, in case of confusion, that what she meant was that she didn’t cum.

When asked if, in general, she struggled with achieving completion, your ex-girlfriend laughed out loud, at a high volume, then kept laughing for a really long time. “Fourteen seconds” was her personal record. “With a toothbrush. Not even an electric one.”

Your hookup from 2023 Halloweekend weighed in on the matter: “I think it was the costume. There’s something deeply unsexy about a 19 year old dressed as Mitch McConnell, even if it is tongue-in-cheek. No one wants to give an ironic, political handjob.” 

Your ex-girlfriend, however, disagreed that the costume was the issue, and many of her friends, classmates, old entrymates, Spring Street establishment employees, and professors agreed.

“Yes, I would argue that this goes beyond the McConnell thing,” commented STATS professor Dipher Rential when asked to use his mathematical prowess to get to the bottom of this question. “It may have more to do with the fact that, when he gets hard, he screams ‘WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME’ and calls his pediatrician.” 

He then drew a bunch of fancy looking graphs, included in this report, and helpfully explained their conclusions.

“Ultimately,” Rential said, “my analysis indicates that while his ill-considered costume and failure to understand the human erection may contribute to his sexual inadequacy, this goes far deeper than that. I’ve simulated every possible sexual encounter, every choice he could make: nothing. Sadly, it seems that failing to give a woman an orgasm is just a part of who he is.”

Fortunately, the Williams Society for Celibate Students sees a silver lining to the story: “We hope that this story reminds students that bad sex is not always better than no sex. We welcome our new member to the club and we look forward to using our FAST funding to pay for more Mitch McConnell costumes.”