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Giddy Students Gather at Paresky, Awaiting Release of New Record Issue

At 5:00 AM on Wednesday morning, Paresky Center was packed. Hundreds of students were camped out in Baxter with sleeping bags, pillows, and other equipment borrowed from the WOC office downstairs.

Jeremy Zitner ‘21, was already awake. “I’m just so excited,” he said breathlessly, while eating instant oatmeal. “I waited all week for Wednesday, and it’s finally here!”

Jeremy, like everyone else, was waiting for the release of The Record, the College’s prestigious newspaper. “It’s like the New York Times,” he said. “But it fucks.”

The Record,” said sophomore Lucy Wilkins, “is what makes Williams College unique. Sure, other colleges have their own student newspapers, but those other newspapers have typos, and The Record has never had a single typo. Every single student who has written in The Record has eventually gone on to win the Pulitzer, except for Steve Jobs, but obviously he’s done alright for himself. I went to Williams just to have a chance to date Chester.”

After what had been a whole night of excited anticipation, the students were finally rewarded when the new issue of The Record was delivered to Paresky. Students screamed and pushed each other out of the way to be the first in line to receive a copy.

“Please, everyone, there are enough to go around,” boomed Editor-in-Chief Chester Maximillian III, in his smooth but ravishing voice.

“Marry me Chester!” screamed a seemingly endless crowd of admirers, but Chester paid it no mind. This happens to him all the time.

No students were available for comment for the next 20 minutes as they pored over the paper. After they finished, many put their copies in their backpacks so that they could read them again when they got home.

Thomas Pike ‘20 looked visibly relieved upon receiving and reading his copy of The Record. “I just don’t feel right until I can look through the news section and know a bit about what’s going on in the world, and by the world I mean the Williams College campus. If I don’t know who’s planning to consider what, or what’s sparking controversy in who, I just feel lost.”

“I’m just so grateful that these geniuses are willing to share their mind-opening thoughts with us,” said Jenny Atkinson ‘23. She paused for a moment, to better concentrate on fitting the paper into her backpack without creasing it. “I know everybody says this, but the reason I chose Williams was because of how good our student newspaper is.”

“They did it again,” confirmed Mark Markson, ‘21. “They fucking changed my life again.” When pressed for more details, Mark listed “Cross Country hosts Purple Valley Classic” and “Football defeats Bowdoin in 41-10 Victory” as two hard-hitting articles that really shifted his world-view.

After searching for an hour, The Haystack located a student who hadn’t camped out in Paresky. “Why didn’t I camp out?” he asked? “Because I like to read it on their website. Have you seen how much money went into that thing? I mean, just think of how many hungry people that could feed in a year. You get what you pay for, and they paid for mind-blowing organization and beauty. Sometimes I go on there and don’t even read the articles; I just admire how gorgeous the layout is.”

The student then put his hand back into his pants and continued reading the issue.


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