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Friend Plans to Get High to Recover From Stress of Busy Day Caused by Being High the Night Before

During a formal address to his suitemates late Wednesday evening, Jeremy Anderson ‘22 announced a plan to “get, like, high as shit.” Anderson explained that given the enormous stress of a chock-full day of classes, extracurriculars, and homework, getting high was “just basic self-care.” When asked why his commitments had been so unmanageable, Anderson explained that he had been unable to complete any work the previous night, when he had been “so toasted.”

Anderson confidently disclosed the various major time commitments that had made his day so stressful, including a 75-minute class, a 3-hour lab, and a two-hour crew practice, followed by dinner with the team, which “you can’t skip; you just can’t.” In the little time he had left, he had to finish a problem set due the next day and pretend to try to complete an enormous quantity of assigned reading.

Tony Simpson ‘22, who was present for Anderson’s announcement and is also in the statistics class for which Anderson had to complete the perilous problem set, was puzzled by Anderson’s lack of progress on the problem set over the course of the past three weeks. “It took me two hours, tops,” Simpson told reporters. “And that was like a week and a half ago, right before the actual due date. Jeremy got an extension until today.”

This evidence was not received well by Anderson. “Sure, in a perfect world I would have done it ‘by the due date.’ But that really wasn’t practical because I’ve been too busy every day before now trying to finish other work in between classes, practices, and leaving a little time for myself every night to get high.”

Once high, Anderson expressed dismay at the thought of another busy day ahead of him in the morning, which would involve writing an entire paper. “I’m gonna have to wake up at nine to start writing, and I haven’t been able to think about the paper at all yet because I’ve been so busy,” Anderson told his suitemates at 8:17 pm as he finished smoking and began setting up a two-hour, 37-minute movie which he claimed would be “unreal while we’re baked.”

Upon the conclusion of the movie, Anderson insisted on smoking again, as it would help him get to sleep quickly and ensure a productive morning. “I really need to get right to work tomorrow since there was literally no time for me to work tonight,” Anderson told his friends, none of whom had asked a question or expressed any preference as to whether he smoked. “I don’t even want to smoke right now; it’s just the smart thing to do.”

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