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Equestrian Team Doesn't Fuck Horses, Stop Asking Us to Investigate

After a thorough investigation, the Haystack has concluded that yes, the Equestrian Team does exist, and no, they don’t fuck horses. A conversation with visibly disheveled Sarah Holmes ‘22 confirmed that “of course we’ve thought about it, but we’d never act on it.” Holmes brushed away interest in the hoof-shaped choke marks on her neck by attributing them to a Hoxsey hookup last weekend. She assured our reporter that sharing a bed with her horse, Bucky, was “completely normal.” Bucky was unavailable for comment.

But a quick peek inside the clubhouse conflicted with Holmes’ statement. On the wall, next to several Zone I Region III IHSA medals, was a “Horse Hotness Power Ranking” chart, which had Bucky in a strong third place. Scattered around the room were multiple copies of the Horse Kama Sutra, which Holmes said was standard reading for any NESCAC Equestrian Team. No other team members were around to verify her statement despite Holmes’ claim that there are “at least five of us.”

Concerns were initially raised by Holmes’ neighbor, Noah Park ‘21, who filed a noise complaint about loud neighing coming from Holmes's room around 2 A.M. last Wednesday night. “I don’t really care about what they’re doing in that room,” said Park, “but Bucky’s been shitting in the common room every Saturday night and no one seems to care. When I did that after blacking out on Hoxsey, people called me ‘belligerently drunk’ and said I needed to ‘pull my life together.' Also, she’s definitely fucking that horse.”

Interviews with students around campus revealed some interesting data. When asked about the scandal, 19 of the 20 responded, “We have an equestrian team?” The final student, who looked a lot like Sarah Holmes wearing a fake mustache, tried to defend “sexual exploration outside of one’s own species,” citing the First Amendment's guarantee of free expression. “A liberal arts education means studying a wide variety of material in order to prepare yourself to learn and thrive in the real world,” claimed the student. “If that doesn’t include fucking horses, then I fear Williams has become too PC to discuss difficult topics.”

At press time, a new investigation was launched to find out if the Fencing Team exists and, if so, what exactly they’re doing with those swords.


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